I was another molested by a camp counselor, I think I was 14. No violence, no ultimadems, I was tactfully led to the slaughter by a sistimatic plan of deceit and emotional manipulation over a period of several weeks. One compromise lead to the next. He realy made it look like it was my choice. But all my mind could do was split off and leave my body to be used and for what was probably an hour and a half - two hours. It seamed like days. I was toyed with like a well fed cat playes with a mouse never intending to fully kill the body. He would work to bring me out of a dissociative state long enught to instill the next level of compliance. That must have happened 4 or 5 times. We keeped going to new locations. I am missing compleat sections of time moving from one location to the next. I felt like I had no choise but to just keep going along. I knew if I didn't he would turn on me emotionally as he had several times in the set up process. As soon as he lost intrest that is exactly what he did. I had wronged him. I was a fractured mess, sexually used and ruined and I had wronged him. I just wanted to die.
There are reasons that I was vonrable. There are things I have believed about myself because of the abuse. There are ways I have harmed myself in trying to make sence of the abuse. There are times that I have felt like I don't belong on MS. I don't know if I have the capasity to realy belong to any thing. But I was abused and I need to come to a full understanding about what that means.
Oh, so I have EMDR tomorrow and want to vomit. I get close to the memories and think about being in the same room with another human bean and I just want to die all over again. The shame is keeping me from moving forward. This is not real. This shame is not real it is from him. And the world that supports the lie. I am not part of that world, I turn my back on it. I am going to tell my story tomorrow the best I can. To hell with target memory's I have a bucket full, pick one
Edited by SmartShadow (01/29/13 12:56 AM)
Just because it's complicated doesn't mean we can't figure it out.