So, I just spent 20 minutes typing an intro and somehow hit the wrong key and erased it! So, here it goes again but this time a little shorter. I am a 46 married male with one teenage son. I am a victim of sexual abuse and also physical/mental abuse by other boys. The sexual abuse was from about 10-13 by one person and the mental/physical abuse was by other boys and lasted from about 7 to 13. My wife knows of my sexual abuse (I told her years ago - after she confided to me she is also a victim of sexual abuse - by her uncle). Both her abuser and mine are now deceased but the memories haunt me daily and have affected my life dramatically. I am an alcoholic (although I have cut down drastically since the new year) and am a recovering drug addict (clean for 6 plus years), I also have gambling issues but have also curbed that a great deal. I quit smoking ciggarettes 5 plus year ago. I thought all these changes would make my life better but it really hasn't. I am depressed a great deal of time and have had suicide thoughts off and one for 20 plus years although I never attempted except for one time 7 years ago while on crack cocaine I tried falling asleep in my car with the engine running and windows rolled up. Well, an obvious failed attempt because anyone that has done crack knows it keeps you up for a very long time. I don't miss drugs at all. I am on here to find friends and support. I joined a group many years ago but didn't post, I just lurked. I read almost daily stories of boys being sexually abused and am shocked at how young some of the abusers start.....I have seen and read stories of boys as young as 7 that have abused other boys or girls! It's alarming but yet I am drawn to reading every story i find because it still makes me feel I am not the only one. I felt i was the only one for so long. There was no internet when my abuse happened, only local news on TV and a local newspaper so you seldom read about sexual abuse. Now, it's a daily occurrence. Although I am married and love my wife, our sex life is not good at all, I have always had issues and im sure my own abuse has something to do with it and I feel inadequate in bed. I am not comfortable with my body, I don't take my shirt off even at the beach and never let anyone see me naked (even at the gym). I am not gay and not attracted to men but I find my self fantasizing about being raped by men and I don't know why, is it because of my abuse? Even during my sexual abuse, I never was anally penetrated, (it was mostly toughing, rubbing, fondling and oral and my abuser liked making me wear diapers because he knew I was a bedwetter until age 8 or 9 and I did wear them to bed until it stopped). Thats another story....I grew up in a single parent family with an older brother and raised by our mother (she is not aware of my sexual abuse and never will be...another story for another time). My own brother isn't aware of my abuse and I have no plans of telling him either. Pretty much my wife is the only person that knows. I also have no plans to tell my son but my abuse has made me so alert for signs and symptoms of abuse, me and my wife have and still keep a close on eye on who is with, a little overprotective but not to extreme (I hope not). Anyways, thats enough for now, I hope to find friends here and will be reading more posts and thank you all for reading my intro. Hope it wasn't to long and/or to boring.