hello stillaround.

for myself, the real killer was missplaced nostalgia. remembering the period before I crashed almost fondly, thinking something went wrong and the huge mire I'd wandered into was where I was going to stop, indeed I found personally that one of the worst things about experiencing depression was (rather like during my abuse), how I physically lost the ability to have a coherent sense of time, either because of fuguing, or just because I felt so completely worthless I could never imagine any changes.

What however helped me was realizing that while the one event in 2007 which began my crash made me! realize what the problem was, there had never been a point in my life since the abuse where there wasn't consequences.

"oh yes, I was scared of crowds, oh yes, i had panic attacks at s/xual humour, oh yes, i'd never had a relationship, ---- but I was fine! ----- after all the abuse happened back when i was a teenager, a long time ago"

Realizing however that no, I had not been fine, and no, this current morass I was in was rather me recognizing and finally dealing with things that had gone on in the background for years, than me suddenly ending up at the bottom of a deep dark hole helped a lot, since it helped m remember that time was a continuous process, and that though my perception of it changed it wasn't any strict change.

unfortunately, this took a lot of slogging through the metaphorical muck and persistance, and as Lee said I'm not exactly out of the woods yet, ---- albeit right now I'm pprobably wandering the outskirt's of the woods with a box of matches, a nice warm easily putup tent and my trusty swiss army knife laugh.

However, things do! change, and if you keep slogging forward you'll find that for yourself.