I've realized something huge. Up until now I thought of CSA as my number one issue, like if I fixed it, I'd be healed. But I was missing a whole part that I've not talked much about. My brother and the physical and emotion abuse he caused me growing up. You see, he's number two. And I think I can lump my brother and my cousin both into similar categories, since a lot of CSA Survivors also endure violence and emotional attacks. I always wondered why I can relate so well to people who tell me about being beaten and raped by someone older than them, and I think that's because if I combine the rape from my cousin and the terror my older brother caused me, together they form an almost identical psychological response. I know the feeling of terror, but I never gave it much value because I thought my problems stemmed solely from my cousin and CSA. But my brother terrorized me growing up. And I'm just realizing the impact he had on me growing up when combined to the fact that my cousin was raping me. I experienced sexual, physical, and emotional abuse growing up as a child, with NOBODY to protect me, in fact I relied on my abuser to protect me.
You see, it wasn't my CSA that caused my night terrors and sleepless nights. The EXTREME and uttermost fear I've ever felt in my life, it was my brother. I'd have nightmares, so fucking real, I couldn't distinguish them from reality, and the fear I felt was the greatest fear of my life. This, all this terror, stems from my brother. My brother physically abused me as a kid, he terrorized me, bullied me all the time. He'd threaten my life at times. I don't actually remember much of the early abuse, but I remember one time he slammed my face into the wall and left teeth imprints in the wall. Another time he just let his friends beat me up, all of them 7 or more years older than me, just throwing me against a wall continuously and I remember having to jump up to punch them in their face and it was like it did nothing to them. I felt powerless. And this was in my own home, and nobody did anything to protect things like this from happening. My brother was a drug addict, but even before that, he was abusive. But it got so much worse when he was on drugs and dealt them too. I can't begin to describe the impact drugs had on my family. Random people just coming in the house at all times, people nobody else knew, I don't even think my brother knew them. I remember his rages, I remember him physically fighting my dad. I remember things like walking in on him looking dead because he had too much heroine, I remember seeing him snort coke, and I was threatened not to tell or else. But my parents knew anyways. I remember school nights trying to sleep hearing him screaming and yelling at my parents threatening them over menial things. I remember thinking some day he might kill me or my parents, some day I might have to kill my own brother to protect myself or my parents. I threw all of this aside and concentrated on the CSA as the only real problem I had, but that wasn't even the beginning. I hate my brother so much I wish I could kill him, and if I was allowed, I would. I don't even hate my rapist, my sexual abuser, Curtis that much. My brother played a huge role in the damages in my psyche, but he also played a huge role into the beginning of my CSA. He is as much a part of my CSA as my own abuser.
Now I'll tell you those dreams I had. Those nightmares, the night terrors. Because he was a drug dealer, I often saw his desperation. I feared he'd owed some drug lord money and they'd kill our family. That how my night terrors because, and they just got worse and worse. They lasted a whole year, and I can NOT describe to you the fear, the terror, the horror I experienced those nights. I was fearful of the night, I was fearful of sleep. I'm sure CSA and other things in my life attributed to these night terrors, but it began because of my brother, he was the seed of all my fear. (I'll also touch a sec on the fact that my brother Chase was much the same as my uncle Dave, my abuser's (cousin, Curtis) step-father).
Now my brother is much worse, the drugs ruined his brain. He's paranoid schizophrenic, and he thinks the family wants to destroy him. He's become more threatening, more deceptive, more evil. He no longer is in contact with me because my parents FINALLY began to protect me from him just this year. Something I thought was impossible, I thought they'd never ever ever protect me from him. But I fear for my parents. He abuses them so god damn horribly emotionally, he says horrible things to them, the meanest things a mother and father could hear from their own son. I see it eating them alive, my parents can't handle it, along with my other disabled brother and our financial situation, they're in crisis.
I need to say something with as much honesty and seriousness as fucking possible. I hate the fucking living life force and essence the guts of my god damned brother so fucking much if I had the chance I would beat the living shit out of his and kill him for the way he treated me, the way he treated my family and the way he treats my parents. And don't dare anybody try and tell me oh it's the drugs, that's his excuse, no it's fucking not, he's dirt, he's shit, he's the fucking dog shit you step in while walking in a park and get pissed off at and scape the shit off and throw it in the garbage. He's lower than that. I WANT HIM DEAD. I WANT HIM DEAD. I WANT HIM DEAD. I gave him countless chances, my parents gave him countless chances, and his luck is up. He is not my brother anymore, he is dog shit to me. All of this, and he has the audacity to blame US for his problems, HE BLAMES US FOR HIM BEING WORTHLESS SHIT. Like he never did anything to deserve anything bad happen to him. That right there gets under my skin so fucking deep, I fantasize about telling him how much he ruined my life and killing him.
(Just a disclaimer, I am not going to kill my brother, unless I have to in self defense or in the defense of my parents.)
Looking back, I made myself, I had nobody. I fucking MADE myself. I was forsaken by even god himself, so I built myself from ground up. I raised myself alone, only learning from other's mistakes. (At least it FEELS that way)
Edited by CloudyFalls (01/25/13 10:07 PM)
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein