I'm sorry to hear what happened to you and can relate to the pain and vulnerability you just described. I understand what you mean about keeping a baseball bat next to your bed. After what happened to me, I am always on the defensive no matter what or who I'm dealing with. I hope therapy is helpful to you and can help you move away from a lot of these fears.
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross