Due to some things that I'm going trough lately I was very busy and all over the place. Among other things I've been involved into something that is difficult to deal.
And when some uncertainties are grooving and when situation is helpless that is triggering my anxiety and I guess similar negative feelings.
So with all that tension has built in me recently and I can't get any relief no matter how hardly I'm trying. I didn't sleep much for weekend and I reached for porn and did a lot of masturbation (I'm ashamed how many times I did it, it could be easily said that I broke some record to be ironic here). It helped me sometimes but not this time. I tried to exhaust my self with sport too and also it wasn't too helpful. Somehow I'm tireless and I guess some chemical or hormone balance is out of order in me.
The thing that is bothering me is that trough porn I'm in some way self-destructive as I'm looking for some stuff that I'm not proud of and that is triggering. I hate when I felt driven in such cycle (and such my coping mechanism) and now I'm just waiting for those negative emotions to settle down. I guess in all this it is the most difficult for me feeling helpless and driven by my compulsion trough anxiety. I'm somehow stuck and don't know how to change my approach and to prevent similar happenings in future.
My T is out of town (she will come back I hope next week) and I could call her by Skype although I don't feel "good enough" not "worthy or brave" to make such step. I've been on my own for so long and I have difficulties to reach for help. I always fought with my issues by myself and actually now after many years I even don't know how to ask for help...
Even I shared all what I have on my back with my T I still don't feel "close" enough somehow. Or to put it in other words I'm difficult to be spontaneous and true myself beside when Iím in therapy. It is somehow different when Iím having some scheduled meeting. I would share also that trough therapy I've discovered feelings of loneliness and isolation that I've been carrying since my childhood and that are the most difficult emotions that I occasionally have problems to deal with.
I donít know why is so difficult for me to reach out and to do something for myself, it always looks like Iím much better in helping others. Sometimes actually I donít have at all my needs spotted in first plan.
To be honest this is not the first time that I'm having such problems and that I couldn't ask for help. After some crisis is over I found it less important to talk about it (even I did) and when I'm in it is too difficult to reach out. So in some way I'm like torn inside and like always slightly not synchronized with some internal needs and outgoing reaching for help. It looks like there is always something like safety airbag that is stabilizing impacts of my inner struggles before I'm ready to share it to outside world.
I'm feeling a little bit better since yesterday and I have had more sleep last night so in some way things are turning to better. I think that even more is helping when I'll write all this so I'm just venting and trying to lower my inner pressure...
Any comment is more than appreciated!