Thank you for your post and for sharing the depths of your pain.
You have gone through far more then anyone should have to bear. I would be glad to share some things that have helped me with unbearable pain. You are very honest with your self and your fealings and articulate them well. I do not wish to talk you out of your pain for it is compleatly understandable and I am not a big fan of escaping my fealings these days. At some point if you want to talk you can PM me. I check in every few days.
Just because it's complicated doesn't mean we can't figure it out.