What drove me to therapy?

Originally, I didn't have much of a choice. It was court ordered. And even if I was willing to risk being in contempt of court I couldn't skip it - I was in jail for dealing drugs (to support my own habit). I was in therapy for a few years before I decided that I was ok and left. Then, starting October 2009, I went through a 2-year period in which my wife passed away suddenly, followed my life-threatening illness and major surgery, then I lost my grandma, who was basically the only descent parent I ever had. Oh, and throw into the mix making contact with my mother for the first time since 1985 and developing feelings for a female friend of mine and all the stress that came with that. So, inevitably I suppose, I broke down. The night I caught myself on the bathroom floor with a knife, busy cutting myself, I realised that I needed help if I was going to give myself a fighting chance at keeping it together enough to be a dad to my little girl. So the next morning I hit google and traced my old therapist.

I have an official psych diagnosis - four, in fact. Yes, it has hampered me in some areas. There has been jobs I couldn't get because my dx made people doubt my reliability etc, but all in all I've been able to have a successful career in spite of that rather thick psych history file.

As for not wanting to face the emotions - that is big. It was the most terrifying part of therapy for me, and sometimes still is. I have often wished I could go back to just being numb, but the reality is that numb is not only the absence of pain - it is also the absence of joy. I want real happiness, but I have come to understand that I can't get there without going through the pain first. Right now, I'm dealing with thoughts and feelings would have left me suicidal in the past, but experience and therapy has taught me that even when it hurts so much I can hardly breath and I can't see any hope of it ever changing again, if I hang on long enough, I will find hope again, somehow. That, alone, makes therapy worthwhile.
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

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