I'm really sorry to hear about all that you're going through.

I'm not sure if it's any consolation, but I've met a few people in similar situations to you who had many of the same problems, but whom I don't think were able to admit their abuse to anyone, or maybe they were not even aware of it. That you're aware and able to write about it on here is a great step forward and something to be proud of.

You're not the only one! There are other guys out there who can't admit things to their wives, who tell crazy compulsive lies, who have online fantasy worlds, who emote in a feminine manner, who have financial problems. They have the same issues you do for the same reasons: they were essentially tortured as small, helpless children, when they couldn't understand what was happening or defend themselves, and then they were blamed and shamed about their own vulnerability and problems.

A friend of mine two years ago attended a conference at which a man spoke who was suffering from almost your exact list of issues. He had recently come to realize that he had been abused as a child and had entered therapy to begin to find healing and work things out with his wife. You're not alone in this.

As people have wisely said above, it's all rooted in shame. The compulsive lying and fantasy worlds and all of that stuff, though they may be extreme in your case, are really just different versions of the kinds of things that abuse survivors, and other people, do to escape their feelings of pain and shame: pornography, gambling, working, exercise, drinking, drugs, video games, whatever. The lie feels less shaming to you than the truth, so you lie. Spending time as a fake person online feels less shaming than interacting with people as yourself, so you do that instead. And so on.

You don't have to be ashamed; it wasn't your fault that you were abused or that you had no one to love and protect you as a child; abuse is completely devastating; abuse by females in various ways is especially devastating and shaming; it's not your fault that it caused you to develop crazy problems, the problems are natural compensation or self-protection mechanisms that make sense given what you went through. You're not a freak. Things may have happened to you that you have not even realized or remembered yet, and when you do your problems may make even more sense to you. As you said, you raised yourself, and you're still here: you're a survivor.

Even if you've done things that you think you should rightly feel remorse for, and we all have, remorse is different from the kind of toxic shame that abuse causes. Remorse is "I'm sad that I did that and I want to make it right if I can". Shame is "there's something wrong with me/I'm a monster/I'm worthless" and so on.

One of the primary ways to deal with this is to find someone supportive that you can talk to about this stuff and go through what happened to you and the shame that it made you feel. Then, instead of making you feel bad for what you've opened up about, that person affirms you and cares for you and shows understanding. It relieves the shame; as you feel less shame, the problems diminish, though it takes a long time and one is never fully better (so don't beat yourself up if you're not getting better "fast enough"!)

Hope this is helpful. It can get better and you are worth doing the work to make it better.

Ninja Turtle