I have had some time to reflect on my journey over the last month or so. Hmmmm.

I guess I just want to offer up some advice for someone else thinking about doing this. BE very very careful!!!

Now I have been pretty upfront about the fact that I was not afraid of him. I was confident that I was a 'better man' in statue and status. I was also 'ok' with the fact that he might have a different view of 'what happened between us'. Sorry I got into the habit of saying it like that so as to not openly accuse him of raping me and him get defensive.

He is my brother and I forgive him for what he did, I understand how he thought it was ok and I will still have contact with him ..... however I will not allow him to be close to me like a normal brother would be AND the is no way in hell I will EVER EVER EVER leave him alone with either of my children.

The truth is he IS a pedophile. He has been convicted of sexually assaulting a child. He is a registered Child Sex Offender. I know he has done it to at least three children. Even though he says that this stopped around the age of 16 - he admitted he still struggles with a desire for young girls. It is still in him.

While he said clearly that what he did was wrong, he minimised it by saying that it really wasn't his fault because of the sexual and physical abuse he suffered and his crappy upbringing.
How many guys are there here that were abused in every way possible including sexually and yet DID NOT sexually abuse their younger brothers??? There is something wrong with him!

I went into this meeting with the understanding that I was 'playing' him to get the information I wanted .... and I did. But he was playing me too - I can see that now. He was trying to make me feel sympathy for him so I wouldn't put him through going to court again. He minimized the abuse and his responsibilty for it. He said what he thought I wanted to hear "I'm sorry - I am horrified at what I did to you." But the kind of person that does these things to small children and can justify them is someone not to be underestimated. While I was determined to be strong (and I was) in our meeting. The act of sitting there with him while we drank tea, casually and calmly chatted for 3 1/2 hours about the things he did to me and others really took it's toll on me. He got into my head.

Sitting there with that crap going into my head really messed with me. It didn't hit me until the drive home but he manipulated me into believing that it wasn't really that bad. It is only bad if I make it bad. He was a victim as much as me. He also made me believe that what he did with my other brother (who is 6 years younger than him) was part of a mutual and loving brotherly relationship - that it was mutual experimentation. He even tried to fudge their ages to make himself look less guilty (saying they were 10 and 12 - AS if I didn't KNOW they are 6 years apart). For a week or more I was struggling with the fact that my brothers had a loving sexual relationship that I was not a part of. I felt so left out.... and used .... but after talking to my friends here about it - it hit me..... NO a 10 year old can not have a mutual and healthy sexual relationship with a 16 year old. That was not OK. It was CSA. My other brother and me had always had an understanding without saying anything that our half brother had abused us both. I had assumed what he did to me was worse (because it was BAD) but it appears he did the same stuff more frequently with my other brother. In some ways what he did to me was worse because I was 3 when it first started and 5 or 6 when he first made me perform oral sex on him. My older brother was 10 and had already sexually experimented with other boys his own age.

When I was a child he lead me to believe that he cared about me and this was something special older brothers do to teach their little brothers about 'how to be one of the big boys'. As part of his story he implicated our father as sexually abusing him by 'watching' him. Now as soon as he said that I could identify with that and could agree that my dad was 'a bit funny like that'. I had not considered it CSA because he never touched us. But he was a perv and did talk to us about 'dirty' stuff and called us names like faggot and poofter.

The whole process really made me question my definition of CSA.

Can I call it rape when he 'only' manipulated me into giving him oral sex at 5 or is it 'just' sexual abuse?
Did my father sexually abuse us even though he didn't touch us?
Could my brothers have had a sexual relationship on an equal level even though they where 6 years apart?
How far does this pattern of CSA go?
Am I just making a big deal about nothing?

So now I have everything back in order in my head (I think) - but boy did he rattle things up in there.

Never underestimate a perpetrator - they are cunning and manipulative and can be charming too.


Edited by Farmer Boy (01/20/13 12:52 PM)
More than meets the eye!