Hey CloudyFalls,
I'm so impressed with the way you articulated your situation and your feelings. I totally agree that you are a wonderful, caring, thoughtful and forgiving person... all those things are signs of strength, not of weakness. Let me add, too, that the path you're on will feel better as you learn to identify more and more of your feelings, as you learn to accept the truths in your life and to understand those truths on their own terms. It's not about whether you "consented" or not. It's not about who is at "fault" or not. And by that, I don't mean to say that someone can't be an abuser or an abused. What I'm saying is that in your life, you were vulnerable, your sexual boundaries were vulnerable (as all of ours were or are) and someone for their own reasons saw a chance to exploit that vulnerability and to trample your boundaries. It hurts to have someone trample your boundaries, even if sex has a pleasurable feeling. It hurts our heart to have someone trample our boundaries, but it hurts worse because of the shame and blame that we feel. We start to feel better, in my experience, when we understand that we might resort to sexual behavior at any given moment, like you did with your cousin, simply because we've got no boundaries when it comes to sex. We just do it. But as I've sorted out my feelings and thought hard about what happened to me and the choices I've made and the boundaries I have and don't have, I've found a sort of peace that I never knew I could have. And I've found a way to communicate that feels good and comforting and accurate, and that doesn't have an undertone of sexual anything. I hope you can find your own peace. I think you can, and I think you're on the right path. Thanks for sharing. We often build a big barrier against things like sharing openly, things that can actually make our lives a lot better. Keep fighting against that barrier! Keep healing, and keep seeking peace. Good luck. Bob

Edited by Robert1000 (01/15/13 04:34 PM)