Not literally! I am at my wit's end. I really don't know what to do. And incident occurred between us Saturday that left me bawling my eyes out for 45 minutes before we arrived at my family's function. He walked in with a smile on and kept everyone laughing. He pretended as if nothing was wrong and adeptly distracted everyone from asking any questions with his charisma and charm. Yesterday I was so depressed I ended back in bed from 1pm until about 7pm. He said nothing and acted as if all was normal. I responded to someone's post on facebook and my response alerted his mother to the fact that I might be down. She called him about it today and he told her I was fine and she just misinterpreted it. At the time of her inquiry, he texted me and said he had no idea I was upset and would talk to me about it tonight. He went to bed without a word.
This is only the tip of the iceburg. He runs for the hills the moment anything gets emotional. This has gone on for years and I just don't think I can take it anymore. I can't have a relationship with someone who refuses to participate in a relationship. He lives with me, raises our children with me, provides income to our family and participates in the day to Day activities of the household functioning, but this is about all. He does not communicate, he does not share any emotional or physical intimacy with me, he does not actively listen to anything I care about unless it is of specific interest to him. My emotional trust in him is so eroded, I can't imagine how to get it back. I have been vulnerable only to be ignored and abandoned so many times. I know I am responsible for healing and helping myself, but to be completely ignored and treated As if I am invisible whenever I am hurting is not acceptable. I have told him what I need, owned my needs and set my boundaries. He says he will try, but his behaviour does not change, even when I call him on it. I am just not sure what is next. I don't think I can go on living with him like this. I love him, but I can't remain in this dysfunctional relationship. As long as he is here, I want and expect more than he can give me and every time it is evident he isn't willing to push beyond his issues for us, it breaks my heart again, and again. I felt strong desires to hurt myself yesterday. I have never in my life been this low, even after my ex husband physically abused me. I never felt this powerless and stuck. I know codependence tells me I have power and choice, but what kind of choice is it when you know your spouse loves you, you love your spouse, but no matter what you do, an emotional connection, emotional honesty and trust is completely out of reach. It is like a dangling carrot. Do I dare walk away from a love that I know I will never ever have for another again? Especially when I know that he will most certainly react with anger at my abandonment and will hold this hurt and betrayal against me forever. I know if I ask him to leave and sort out his own house for a while, pride, anger and self preservation will keep him from ever accepting me in his life again.
He is the ultimate at denial and will accept abuse indefinately from partners (he has told me of his past relationship) but when forced to accept emotional truths and deal with difficult problem, his protects himself by being angry and cutting the person out of him life.
I feel like screaming at him to wake up. I just wish I could get through to him. He has begun therapy but none of this seems to have improved and I frankly wonder how emotional honest he is with his therapist. I know he concealed a great deal from the marriage psychologist we used to see. I know he will never benefit from any therapy until and if he is willing to be honest with himself first.
Sorry for the stream of consciousness. I am just so heartbroken. I really thought things were on The road To improvment, but now I feel that I could rehash my posts from September / October and they would be as true and raw today as they were 3 months ago. I just don't know how to move on from this and heal myself when I feel I can't protect my heart From him without closing it to him. And if this decision comes to pass, it will be truly the saddest day of my life so far.
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky