It may seem impossible for you to want to be loved by your abuser. But, he was one of the only dependable sources of love you had. To be unable to separate love and sex from love is difficult for many people, although traditionally this is supposed to be how women feel it isn't gender limited.
My father physically abused everyone in the house, my mother set me up as her narcisistic supply and in various sexual abuse circumstances. I needed my older brother's love, but I couldn't get it. He resented me, but I didn't know that. I was willing to be sexual with him, even when he berated me for being homosexual.
I couldn't get his love. But I was available to have been used for love. I just never met anyone who made that offer.
You did. In therapy you understand you were used and abused. But you blame yourself for doing what you did to keep his love. Like you had so many choices of how to get that love. I thought I was complicit in all of the sexual abuse, doing what my mother directly told me to do, and what I thought she implicitly told me to do.
But my T enabled me to learn that when you have too few choices, then you really only have bad chooices. The fact that you made one bad choice instead of another is not your fault. It is just what your limited options creates.
Giving up the delusions are very difficult. Using drugs or alcohol will make giving up the delusions almost impossible. Accepting that as long as you carry the hate and resentment you are hurting yourself is very hard to understand. But, it is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
While you don't know any, there are many who put that together. They are abused by a relative and never learn to separate. Some continue to "bleed" in the relationship. Others understand it is how their relative reacted to their own abuse and just learned how to cope by harming others.
The way we heal is by making a journey where we can live with our selves. We no lopnger have to abuse ourselves , physically or mentally. We find a path of self acceptance and a way of life that does not require predatory expectations or compulsions.
Welcome to the site. welcome to this group of friends most of whom are struggling like you. Welcome and may you be genetle with yourself as it has almost never been for you til now.