That's some mixed up feelings you have there! We can't help the things that we feel & I'm told that feelings toward an abuser are somewhat common. It's also common to feel attraction towards someone based on a similarity to another person you are attracted to. Now, I'm no doctor, but I imagine that all these feelings are normal... Albeit a bit/very unsettling at times. I know that this likely doesn't help, but just know that you are not alone!
The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression. - Gary Larson