yep - definitely had mixed feelings for all my abusers - except the stranger who molested me in a fitting room. for him - there was nothing but fear, confusion and disgust.

for the step-dad - i feared and hated him but longed to be loved and accepted by him - but i never got a single word or act of kindness from him. when i was in my 30s he died and i wept for the fatherly relationship that i had never had.

the bullies at school and scouts - i feared and despised them - but more strongly longed to be liked and accepted by them - and desperately wanted to be just like them.

on grooming - at one time i even envied the pretty boy who was obviously being groomed by a pedo teacher - while at the same time i was disgusted and horrified by what i knew must have been going on in secret - because i mistook that treatment for love and belonging.

so - yes - VERY mixed feelings - not because any of the abusers treated me well, but the opposite - because i wished they would. i'd have done nearly anything they wanted - willingly - if i'd gotten from them the affection i craved. i guess it's good they all treated me like crap - it might have been even worse!


Edited by traveler (01/13/13 04:33 AM)
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"