I knew I was a relational and sexual mess after surviving my teens. Sexual addiction, abnormal fanticys, hyper vigilance, fear that somehow if I got close to anyone, they would find out about the real me I would be compleatly rejected in the same way I was rejecting myself. I lived a duble life and am only now trying to merge the two. Problem is the two lives do not go well togeather. Can they, shure but not with out conflict and pain.
About six weeks ago I started posting on MS. It has been a huge help to be able to put word to my feelings and thoughts and get real help, direction and understanding. It has helped me grow up in some ways, and is helping me to see areas where I need to grow.
I have come to rely on this forum as a valued point of connection.
My sexual addiction and csa pain have caused more then just a little pain for my wife.
Where this forum has helped me to be more in touch with my iner thoughts and feelings and to be able to express them better, it seams like we are going backwards in our marriage in some ways.
My wife is afraid that I will cross some line on this forum. Or I will lose perspective. I can understand her fear. And have attempted to help her to understand what it is doing for me even to the point of explaining that I have found it to be a needed health out let so things don't build up inside of me, isolated and alone. I think she understands in the best way she can. I think she wants me to be able to process with her instead. But she is part of only one of my worlds. And she feels it. I can tell her about the other world the CSA-SA-SSA world and I do but it takes a real toll on her.
Eventually when two people get close enught through time and pressure, and all the minor stuff falls away you usually come up against fairly rigid pain, belief and fear. The stuff we are realy behaving out of.
Dating my wife years ago, she became pregnant. We got married.
I had decided not to get married and have a family, several years before we met, because of my mesed up iner world.
I love my family, my wife and my kids, more then anything, but much of my life had been devoted to protecting them from my pain and the pain it could cause them, instead of loving them. My love for them and my pain are in conflict. I knew this before I ever met my wife. I could not have a normal life. (devoted husband and farther). I am devoted to them and am amased how much affirmation, support and love I receive from my wife and children. But I am more of a control mechiniziams then a person.
Today my wife shared how much I have hurt her over the years. Direct pain I have brought in to her life. OK I know and I hate that. But never wanted this. I know that sound petty and small. But for me it's l think my worse fear coming true. My pain is harming my wife and kids.
This is a straw on my back that I can not bear. It is the stake in my hart that feals so bad that I am the pain.
The bottom line is I didn't get the chance to just go off by my self and be alone.
And I am realy thankful for that. But I can't escape the pain and it is eclipsing and infecting everything.
I said to her that If I knew then what I know now I would not have married. (FYI don't ever say this to your wife) I slipped in the "let's be realy honest" of the moment.
It's going to be a thought month.
Truth is I realy feel that this is what I have and do think deep down.
None of this is simple true, false, right, wrong.
I just feel like crap right now, so I vent.
Beats self medicating.
She is meeting with a good counselor today and we will go to meat soon togeather to give her a needed support in our curent transision. Namely, me taking the lid off and working on my stuff.
The common denominator in all of my conflicts both inside and out seam to be childhood sexual abuse. Maybe it's time I just accept the mantel of victim.
I just can't do that!
Edited by SmartShadow (01/10/13 04:19 PM)
Just because it's complicated doesn't mean we can't figure it out.