Many people have said that they have never seen me angry. Its true because I very rarely show any signs of anger. I suppress it as much as I can. Nobody likes being responded to with anger and even when I'm steaming mad inside I push it down as much as I can and try my best to move on. For example, at work I've been transferred to a different department than what I'm used to. Its a training department that's basically a body pool who handles menial jobs that other department don't want to do (that's putting it in the simplest terms that I can). I feel incredibly angry at my former department for doing this to me because I'm pretty much learning stuff that I WILL NEVER DO in my daily job when in my real department. I'm forced to be around a bunch of people that I can't stand while waisting time in shit that has nothing to do with my job.
So that's one reason why I'd be upset. But above and beyond that are the people I'm forced to work with. It's like being surrounded by a bunch of fucking sideshow freaks and general assholes for almost ten hours a day. They don't talk, they scream and yell at each other. When they speak to me they talk like a viper striking at its prey. I can never just get a simple answer to my question or be given a simple command, its always like being stabbed with a ice pick, "Go do this NOW!!!!!," or "I don't FUCKING know go ask someone else!" I wonder why I'm there in the first place but people keep telling me that "Its not so bad once you get used to it" but I don't think I can ever used to it.
I was so incredibly angry today. I sat in my little corner "studying" (yeah, as if I can actually get an studying done in that raucous) and trying to keep to myself. I keep my feelings to myself and answer question as respectfully as possible. As soon as I see any opportunity to escape for even a few minutes I jump at it. From the whispers and crosstalk I hear throughout the day apparently this seems to impress them, whatever, I don't fucking care about impressing those fuckers.
But my true dilemma and the whole point of this post is how do you control and expel your anger? How do you get rid of it all?
I tried going for a run after work and getting all of the nasty, terrible thoughts out of my head and for a short while it seemed to work but they soon resurfaced. Even right now as I type this I can hear their voices swirling around in my head, its like their right next to me screaming in my ear daring me to lash out at one of them. But you can't. You can't show anger at anytime because the moment you do you expose yourself as weak. You show that you can be hurt and hurt by words no less. The moment you lash out you suddenly become that guy who "just can't take it." They all see you as weird now and as that guy who lost it that day and yelled at so-and-so even though they talk to everyone that way and nobody else ever got upset by it. Now they look at you differently, like a freak. You become a freak when you show anger. That's what I feel inside and that's why I keep it all inside.
How do I get rid of anger? I ran for a half-hour straight, spilled my guts onto two pages of my journal and drank a glass of whiskey and I still can't get the anger out of my body. What am I doing wrong?
Yet another 24 hours.