...the lack of trust I have for individuals with my personal life and the fact that every time I go to open up to her... I close down and ignore her.
... but what in the world do I do about the lack of trust?!?!?
trust has been a big challenge for me, too. it is not something you can just decide to do and turn it on like a light switch. it must be built or developed and allowed to grow. it must be based upon truth and honesty. it takes time and experiementation and patience. you have to take chances and risk being misunderstood, hurt, rejected or abandoned. BUT - there is also the awesome possibility of finding acceptance, understanding, love and commitment. it is a scary and vulnerable process. it is also a mutual activity - it must be reciprocal and interactive. it is progressive - greater risks lead to greater trust when the feared outcome does not happen and the hoped for one does occur. deception, secrets and lies can severely damage or destroy trust in an instant.
i began by telling generalities of my story - summaries without much detail. as those small revelations were received well, i gained courage to tell more, and so on. at first i was fearful and certain that my ugly history would disqualify me and cause me to be seen as unacceptable and to be judged, rejected and abandoned. that did not happen so i gained courage for the next step. and as i trusted her more, my self-esteem improved, leading to more self-confidence - and more trust, etc.
it is worth the risks and the fear and the agony. it is so liberating and morale-strengthening to know that there is someone you can trust.
it takes determination. it is hardest at first. but if i could do it, you can do it! and like Magellan said, go slow.