hi, tannerdog2

Most of what you have listed here is a pretty good description of my recent past:
Originally Posted By: tannerdog2
-intimacy or my lack of it
-i don't like sex or being naked, i think it's gross and i feel a lot of dread and shame and guilt
-it's hard for me to be nurtured or let someone else nurture
-i have trust issues and i think people are going to leave
-i have a different definition of love
-i used to use drugs and alcohol
-i don't pay attention to my body, i don't really feel pain or are very aware
-i get frustrated, but i don't cry
-i have lots of anxiety and panic attacks
-i get overwhelmed by touch
-most of my relationships don't work out and i don't have many friends
-even when i'm in a relationship i feel like i'm meant to be alone
-i feel repulsed when my wife wants me, even if it's just emotionally
-i'm repulsed by sex, unless i'm on drugs
-sex and aggression are connected in some ways
-i prefer short term, anonymous sex, like one night stands

i think the only ones that differed were the last two - i would have substituted "objectification/being used" for "aggression." and i was not interested in any sex with real people - but had to keep it even more detached and distant through on-line images.

i was abused verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually from age 5 1/2 to 18. i can't tell you which symptoms were the result of which varieties of abuse - but i am certain that your list is traceable to abuse of some kind - whether it was sexual or not.

when i first started reading the forums, it creeped me out, too. there was a lot of denial going on in my head. but i stuck it out - and am so glad i did. i now can own the truth - and overcome it by rejecting some of the lies i also used to believe - those forced upon me by the abusers.

hope you'll stick around long enough to figure out why you have these relationship difficulties - or that you'll find another source of healing that suits you.

"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"