hi, tannerdog2

Most of what you have listed here is a pretty good description of my recent past:
Originally Posted By: tannerdog2
-intimacy or my lack of it
-i don't like sex or being naked, i think it's gross and i feel a lot of dread and shame and guilt
-it's hard for me to be nurtured or let someone else nurture
-i have trust issues and i think people are going to leave
-i have a different definition of love
-i used to use drugs and alcohol
-i don't pay attention to my body, i don't really feel pain or are very aware
-i get frustrated, but i don't cry
-i have lots of anxiety and panic attacks
-i get overwhelmed by touch
-most of my relationships don't work out and i don't have many friends
-even when i'm in a relationship i feel like i'm meant to be alone
-i feel repulsed when my wife wants me, even if it's just emotionally
-i'm repulsed by sex, unless i'm on drugs
-sex and aggression are connected in some ways
-i prefer short term, anonymous sex, like one night stands

i think the only ones that differed were the last two - i would have substituted "objectification/being used" for "aggression." and i was not interested in any sex with real people - but had to keep it even more detached and distant through on-line images.

i was abused verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually from age 5 1/2 to 18. i can't tell you which symptoms were the result of which varieties of abuse - but i am certain that your list is traceable to abuse of some kind - whether it was sexual or not.

when i first started reading the forums, it creeped me out, too. there was a lot of denial going on in my head. but i stuck it out - and am so glad i did. i now can own the truth - and overcome it by rejecting some of the lies i also used to believe - those forced upon me by the abusers.

hope you'll stick around long enough to figure out why you have these relationship difficulties - or that you'll find another source of healing that suits you.

Lee
_________________________
"the scariest thing about abuse of any shape or form, is, in my opinion, not the abuse itself, but that if it continues it can begin to feel commonplace and eventually acceptable."
- Alan Cumming, "Not My Father's Son"