So I've been browsing through the forums and reading some stories, and I've been thinking about something that happened to me when I was around 14 years old.

*** WARNING: This could be hugely triggering, especially if your perp was female ***

I had sneaked out of the house and was hanging out with some older "friends" and doing drugs. A girl/woman approached me. I have no idea how old she was, but in my 14 year old eyes she was "adult". She could have been 16 or 26 or perhaps even older. I really don't know. Anyway, she started touching me, basically feeling me up. When she first touched me, it was hugely triggering, but then the drugs I had taken just before kicked in and I relaxed. To make a long story short, she got me aroused and got me to penetrate her and to eventually ejaculate inside her.

I have always thought about this as my first experience of having sex with a female. I saw her again a while later, and had sex with her again - this time actually initiated by me. At the time, I saw it as a positive thing. Getting aroused by a female proved I was straight. Initiating sex and being in control of it, was a huge change from being raped.

Now, I know that because I was 14, what this girl/woman did was statutory rape in the eyes of the law. I also know that the first time, I didn't actively consent - I merely submitted, and if I wasn't high, I would probably not have done so. But I don't remember the event as being traumatic. I remember it as being quite pleasant, to be honest. I never thought of it as rape until I started reading other stories on here about men/boys who were raped by women, and saw the parallels.

I am also starting to see how it could have screwed me up a little more than I already was. For years after, I viewed women only as tools to assert myself and my own sexuality. I basically treated women like cum-dumpsters, seeking only the affirmation that having sex with a female gave me. I thought nothing of cheating on my girlfriend, because to me, there was a total disconnect between what we had, and what I was doing with the other girls. I definitely tried to recapture the relief of that moment when I first realised my perps may have been wrong, and I might not actually be gay. (Apologies to anyone who reads this who is gay - I was severely homophobic back then. I have since gotten over it).

I don't recall ever forcing a girl against her will, but I can see how this pursuit of sex, coupled with the need to be in control of it, could have escalated into me becoming a rapist if I didn't get help.

Was this just a young boy who had never been able to grow into his sexuality at his own pace, or did this girl and her act of "seducing" me contribute? Do I have a third, female perpetrator, or was it just my first heterosexual encounter? I don't think I know the answer to that any more.

I thought about posting this in "Survivors of female abused", but I'm not even sure this was abuse, and so I don't feel like I belong there...

Any insight?
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

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