I feel your frustration Ohio. I think you may be trying to focus on a part of the coping mechanism like eating and numbing to attempt to "fix" it. Recovery teaches us that our minds tell us what will be focused on in discovering negative feelings and poor coping mechanisms. Let go of the shame associated with feeling like you are fat, ugly or somehow different than others. Survivors suffer from poor self image, even going so far as to believe it was our looks that singled us out for abuse. It does not and it did not. The feelings of loathing you are experiencing may be about fear of being abused again or a learned trait that perhaps the way one looked caused the abuse.
Sit with these feelings of self loathing.
Write out every feeling.
Share these with MS, local support and your doctor, therapist or group.
As these feelings create resentment or frustration inside you, tell yourself it's okay, you can feel good about yourself no matter what your current size or shape, that you love and cherish you unconditionally.
Recovery themes are about accepting ourselves as prisoners of war and healing from the torment and inhumane suffering. Keep building a new you from the hurt, keep healing.
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014