Having been up pretty much constantly since first posting I've had a lot of time to think about what was said here.
I have contacted his uncle (his only other safe person) and let him know I may well be part of my partners problem and that I need to bow out for his sake.
I love him more than I have loved anyone in my life, in a way that has changed me forever, it has been my greatest blessing and I do not regret a moment. But if I am distracting him from his recovery as has been suggested, keeping him from his daughter, or making his shame cycle worse as they said, I cannot stay just because I love him. That is selfish and that would be for me. Not for him.
If I screw this up and stay when I'm contributing to it all, I could fuck up all his hard work that he's done and doing. I cannot risk that. Every day is so hard at the moment with his DID. That I could mess up his healing. After days of running this through my mind, I just felt like if I go, I will hurt for a long time as thought I would marry this man, but I would be alright one day. But If I ruin his healing - he might never recover, and that would impact his daughter. So I cannot put my needs above his in this situation.
His ex gf lives with his parents. His mum has chosen to mother his ex, she contacted her and asked her to move in, she identifies with her she said, and does not speak to my partner. Hence why seeing his daughter is harder right now - as that family home holds many DID triggers for him from childhood and that mother/ex gf fitting of needs and excluding him has also triggered abandonment and boundary issues. (perp not there so his daughter safe)
I really don't think I can just leave him now as flickr suggested as both his adult, and his alters trust me, and for me to just leave them would do damage. I love them all and don't even know how I will say goodbye to the adult, let alone the little boy.
So the plan is to help him settle with his new trauma therapist, which is a major undertaking as he's mainly in an alter that is non communicative and very paranoid atm. Once he is settled his uncle can help support him. His ex does not yet know about the CSA, so I suppose he will tell her when he's ready once I am not distracting him from that. Maybe if/when she leaves his parents home it will be easier for him to tell her.
Even though there were things said here that cut me very deeply, I am grateful I came here as I genuinely hand on heart did not realise that I was part of this cycle. Yes his DID has really spiralled - but that has been with the emergence of trauma, unless this dynamic with me has made that worse also, I just don't know. The whole thing is so overwhelming and to think I could be part of this pain really has shaken me.
He's done so much for his sense of self in the last 2 years and in lucid days is an exceptionally insightful and caring man because of that work. He's training to change careers to something he loves, he's a healthy weight for the first time ever, he stopped using porn (and yes i do know that as there was no shame about it, we openly discussed, I was 100% ok with it, and it stopped in therapy. May start again I know, but I celebrate his success for as long as it lasts as he was so happy), sugar binge eating is down about 50% which is huge, steroid use has stopped totally. I struggle to look back and invalidate the road travelled, as I really feel in my heart it has been incredible. So much in my life has opened up too with him, so much healing from my past. But again now i'm doubting that too, and wondering if it was in my head.
What keeps me strong is that his daughter comes before me as she is the innocent in this. She's so perfect and beautiful I love her. I know he feels now that he does not want to be back with his ex - but she is still waiting with open arms, so once I am not a distraction, I hope that shame that I propagate can start to heal with her. He misses his daughter so much. As he learns more to self care, and love himself, and the rage is addressed, he will be an incredible parent. They already have a bond. But he's in too many different alters for him to build on it right now. I know she will love him unconditionally and not hold it against him. I think much better absent now for a little while, so he can then be a wonderful nurturing energy in her life.
I feel now I am doing the right thing as to not risk his healing. And at the same time I am heart broken and so worried about him it hurts. Sometimes we just do not get what we want in life though, and I have to do the right thing by him and his daughter. This whole thing is so confusing. I know I'm not part of the first wives/partners club, and this forum is primary full of them. But that doesn't mean I do not love him with every part of me. I am so exhausted from thinking about this and living day to day not able to discuss the fact I might be harming him with my partner. Knowing he would deny it and panic that i might leave. It all hurts so much.
Edited by WorriedPartner (01/04/13 01:19 AM)