Unfortunately I still can Esposa. I hate that I can though. I fight this neediness. I want to be emotionally independent but find it so hard some days. When I posted earlier today I was posting as a place of looking back... Not far back, but looking back. Now, I am staring straight into again tonight. I have been having a really tough time with anxiety and depression over The holidays and today, at his request, I finally opened up about the sadness, loneliness and isolation I have been feeling. I talked of some things that happened between us that triggered me but I owned my feelings and my reactions. I said clearly that I know that I would have rolled with these things better had I not been feeling so raw and had I not created unrealistic expectations for the holidays. He did not hear me. He did not hear my feelings, he only heard my reference to these incidents and talked About how I blame him for feeling bad when he has done nothing wrong. We went round and round and he didnt... maybe couldnt get it. I finally asked to please drop it and let me nurture myself. Then tonight he got up from The dinner table and went to his safe place in the basement and played guitar. Then when it was time to put The kids to bed he said he was going too because he wanted to get up extra early to go to The gym. I asked if he would go later in the morning as I have to work tomorrow but the gym has babysitting and he asked why bother going later just to stay up tonight for nothing. Spending time with me was for nothing. He left me with my isolation and loneliness. I know these are my feelings and I must get past them, but i just need a friend and he ignores that. I just want someone to be there as a loving witness sometimes. Someone who wants to be with me even when i am sad... Not someone who abandons me when i need them most. I am right in the middle of this storm right now and it hurts as bad as the song describes. I am hungry for love and affection and just dont know how to ask for it in a way that he can understand. I know all the reasons why he may be grappling with this, but it doesnt change the fact that I need too. I wish I could just shake myself and get over this, but I am hurting and I am hurting alone and I feel pathetici sitting here alone in my livingroom crying.
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
- Audioslave