'How could you even want to be with someone who in TWO years has not even tried to reach out to have a relationship with his own flesh and blood?' That is not true. He knows her and loves her very much. He just cannot see her at the moment as he is triggered too badly. I assume you do not know about DID, as this happens to many.
'You honestly believe that his abuse did not start surfacing until he was with you?' Yes I do. He has a history of depression, anxiety, but did not know why. Do you honestly believe all men have memories of their trauma? again I don't think you understand that this happens often with DID, as the self is fragmented. No one else knew either.
If running is being in therapy, working hard every day to break cycles, take responsibility, try to work to understand triggers and change them, then what in your eyes is stopping running? He still suffers huge triggers, but things have moved dramatically in his patterns already with therapy . But a long way to go.
So no one is allowed to leave a relationship? Each person has to stay with their spouse no matter what. So if that relationship is deeply sad with no intimacy or trust or growth, that in your eyes is better for that child than him leaving to grow and heal from this abuse so he can father his daughter. And the subsequent partner is allowed to be spoken to like dirt by you just because he chose to leave his partner, before we even met? Life is that cut and dry?
The title of the post was a question to myself as looking back, yes I do worry that he does have drivers he doesn't yet know. This is a huge learning curve for both of us about the nature of DID and trauma emergence to know more about where I relationship sits with it all.
Do not presume to tell me that 'he is one of those people who runs from themselves'. You know nothing of what this man has endured, the multiple trauma that has lead to splitting of his personality into parts to contain that trauma. He is fighting with every part of his being to face this and stabilise in therapy. You have no idea who he is to say something that unkind.
Before you cast judgement, learn about what DID is. The mind sometimes cannot cope with complex trauma, so it splits into alters, different personality segments to contain it, whilst other parts function 'normally' to allow life to continue. It takes an event, a trigger, or just the mind being ready for this to emerge and start to be dealt with. Different alters start to show themselves, some trust, some are angry. The whole has to be integrated so he is aware of his different fragmented parts and healed. This is a long journey. He will be in therapy 5-7 years. And you think that is running? How would you cope in that situation? Where is your compassion?
There is no judgement from any men on this site of each other, yet among the women here it seems it is perfectly fine to scorn another for being human. It also amazes me how if it were a woman leaving an abusive unhappy relationship - that would be fine. But god help a man that leaves for good reason.
He is fucking terrified, yet goes to therapy, keeps working to build a relationship with his little girl when he is able. When he suffers rage triggers he cannot see her. Can you not understand that? He is so ashamed he cannot, yet wants her safe and so has to wait until a period of stability before seeing her. As time goes on - these will become more prolonged, until he is present and stable. The part of the mind that splits to contain trauma is also responsible for temporal awareness, so when he triggers, he is truly back in his younger self (at what ever age that particular alter is), and he has no memory of it after he comes out of it. Hence why he needs to keep his little girl safe. This is his primary concern. And I love him for it.
I have already said if he heals and we part ways so be it. I don't think he's on the 'downturn'. I also think that is a dismissive term for a survivor in a period of crisis. I think this 'downturn' is progress. Painful, but progress nonetheless as it is another layer of his trauma emerging that he can work through in therapy. We are lucky enough to have great resources for DID locally, and he is learning slowly to trust to allow people to provide that support.
I am in shock at the judgement on him. On me I can take. But you need to back off casting your stones at a survivor. You have no idea what pain he is in, and how much bravery it takes to wake up every day and fight that. I hope no survivor comes to this thread and sees those horrible words and feels shame. They have enough of that to deal with.
It is so easy to judge. To throw out the moral high ground. Life is a journey of growth. For both partners. We may not end up together no, but the growth we are having has been life changing for both of us.
Thanks for those that have PM'd me. I didn't want this to turn into slurs about my partner. I will stick up for him. And he will answer for himself in a few months when he is able to come here without being triggered. I hope you show him a little more humanity.
ps - I'm aware I'm like a cat with heckles up right now - this doesn't mean I do not hear your POV. I know this is highly emotional and I'd probably hate me if situation was reversed. But I can't hear bad things about my partner. I will fight his corner - until he can explain himself here. He is working SO hard, and it is a very heart wrenching thing to see someone you love try so hard, then be triggered and think hey have failed - not realising how far they have come. I am so proud of him.
Edited by WorriedPartner (01/01/13 09:59 PM)