I believed I had been complicit in my sexual abuse for most of my life. That I had few options, meant that anyway I dealt with it was not something I had control over. Yes, my mother told me to pose for the photographer. She told me to take my clothes off. I could have said no. I didn't. I thought that it was stimulating because I got an erection when naked.
I could have not let the 26 y o kiss me, fondle me, suck me off to eejaculate, but I needed him to mail my valentine, so I thought I had prostituted myself.
It doesn't matter whether the limitations of choice were created by force, parental abuse, the need for attention, the need for affection,the need for being valuable for something even if it i s prostitution. You were the child, they were older, and took advantage. That is abuse. Not the two times that stand out but the dozens of experience where "you agreed to participate." Like any child of 9, or 13 could be able to understand what he was agreeing to.
The idea that because you participated, that the sexual stimulation was enjoyable, makes you human, not a responsible party. When we have needs we will find some way to get them met. To think I had choices when I choose between one set of disgusting choices instead of another, or that I could choose to have my needs for simple human experiences ignored is thinking you had power you never had.
When I was 4 I asked my mother for a good humor bar. She said I could have one, and asked my father for the money. He punched and knocked her off the porch. I thought I was a greedy little boy who made my daddy beat my mommy. I held on to that belief for 33 years. That doesn't make it true.
Anymore than your childhood expereinces were under your control. I know I wanted to believe that so I could think that how I behaved made the difference. That made me feel less powerless, gave me the false sense of power. That didn't make it true. You did want to see yourself as overwhelmed with limited choices, so you internalized that you could determine your fate. It is a lie, but if you can figure out how you had all thi power let me know. Maybe I can go back to believing that I was responsible. That I had power, that 4 year olds can control the behavior of 30 yeatr olds.
Yes, you belong here, your just early in your journey, this si a wonderful place of safety.