Originally Posted By: Windblade
I had stupidly agreed to try anal sex with a man that used to fondle me as he measured me for clothes. I agreed to let him try it on me. I'm really ashamed to admit that I agreed to do it for money. Almost as soon as it started, I asked him to stop. He didn't and told me that I wanted it because I had an erection. I remembering it hurting really bad and I was crying and screaming, begging him to stop. After he was done, he told me that I liked it because I ejaculated. I didn't mean to. I tried not to. My body betrayed me.

I was so ashamed and felt so dirty. I took many baths and showers but I couldn't shake that dirty feeling. He told me that it was my fault for wanting to try it and that he couldn't stop once he started.


Windblade - you definitely belong here. You had the courage to post essentially what I have written and still cannot bring myself to publish. It's all about shared experience here - finding that you can strike a harmonic with another soul about similar things. You could have written a chapter in my own story, WB. The paradox of sharing so openly on MS is that it is the antithesis of everything I've been taught to do. As a survivor of sexual abuse, opening up me is not natural and the very act of putting this stuff out there is triggering in itself - our most intimate vulnerabilities laid out for others - hopefully true brothers - to see. Yet it is both liberating and empowering. And the best healing I have done here is to realize that others have been through the same thing. My God - I can't begin to say how healing it is just to share common experience. With that...

I, too, was raped post-CSA, although like you I didn't see it that way at all. I was about 20, looked about 16 and my sexual perspectives and maturity were probably still stuck at 12. I went into a gay bar for the first time, scared to death but eager to explore my sexuality. The bartender, a muscled guy about twice my size, kept placing drinks in front of me "on the house", including one right before closing. I was light-headed, a bit nervous, but willing to finally explore sex on my own terms. I willingly walked with him to the back of the then-closed bar. When I tried to slow things down, however, he leveraged me onto the pool table and raped me from behind so violently that I couldn't even form the word "STOP!" with my mouth. I couldn't do a thing to stop him. And yes - despite myself I ejaculated. That was the detail I really remember the most - that moment, that realization, that solid proof of my culpability as if the very measure of it impugned me by degree. Like where did THAT come from? It was like some disembodied experience someone else had and I was left holding the bag. It's a wonder as I look back on it all just how close I might have come to a complete mental break from myself and reality - that I was able to hold my head together even though my body became a complete marionette puppet - maybe more like a hand puppet - for this brute to inhabit. I wonder if there is any way to describe something like that to anyone who has never experienced it - to explain what it's like to have someone step into you uninvited and grab all the reigns of your life like that. It's truly a crime of details, because that is what I remember - the smells, the sounds - all sanitized and packaged over with a one or two-word wrapper that says "rape" or "sexual assault" as if it was that simple. It was never simple for me, and I suspect, Windblade, it hasn't been for you, either. It was the most isolating thing I ever experienced except for possibly my CSA - isolating me from others. And from myself.

It took me YEARS before I even allowed myself to THINK about that night again. I took a long shower when I finally got home - trying to wash off the filth in my soul with the blood on my body. I put it ALL ON ME, put it in a cold storage trunk in my mind, then just CLOSED THE LID on it. When I stepped out of that shower, it was pretty much history. My CSA really set me up for this episode like a bowling pin, although if you look at the structure of MS you're either CSA or ASA but you can't be both.

Sharing this I think makes sense because you really have struck a resonance with your story. It's not an easy thing to do and as I write this I'm not even sure I'm going to hit the send button. But if I belong here, Windblade - and I think I do - then you certainly do as well. You are most definitely not alone and I don't know how to make that point any clearer.