I'm not quite sure how to respond to your post, but feel that I must. I wondered aimlessly through life being so full of so called life, love, and happiness. I spent my life running, faster and faster from any emotions, while appearing to be fine. Truth was I was dead inside not being able to love or feel worthy of it. The damage was done to me at the age of 4 would guide my life silently but aggressively. I just want to share a few things that I feel when I read your posts.
I feel.. pain The pain of longing for something that you desire so badly but find it so hard to attain. I have felt this pain before. I would long for it so badly that I would let the wrong people enter my life and take advantage of me. My version of love was not the same as others. Punishing myself by believing it was me that was not worthy of this gift called love and that I deserved to be treated as bad as I was verbally, physically and emotionally.
I feel..confusion The kind of confusion that makes you question life and what it has to offer. A confusion that had me thinking that I was loosing my mind, going crazy, and just loosing control of what I thought was a perfect life. The highs and huge crashes of depression that no one but us understands.
I feel.. anger Why did this have to happen to us? Why? Why can't we just get over it like so many have and just get it fixed. Except it and move on. I'm so sick of hearing that crap. We are dealing with it. Therapy and meds that take forever to level out and then to find out it's not working and have to be switched again. People always making comments about how much weight we have lost or gained. Fine, you find out that your life was determined by others when you were a child, then you can talk to me about how I look.
I feel.. anxiety The kind of anxiety that makes my hands shake, jaws clinch, and my knees week. I feel that I am running out of time to deal with all of this. The healing is not coming quick enough and not at the pace I want. Why can't my brain release the horror locked up inside in segments that I will understand. Why do I have to constantly fear about having flashbacks or disassociations while being in crowds or watching a movie. I'm tired of being on guard 24/7.
I feel.. hope The kind of hope that has carried me this far. The kind of hope that allows you to feel something. We are broken, I will admit that, but I will not give up on hope. I have been where you are and visit that place daily and I fight hard everyday to keep hope in my heart.
For pain can be no worse than what has already been done to us. Confusion I have learned, is part of the healing, sure I don't understand some of the things I do, okay most of the things I do, but isn't that why we turn to the professionals.
Anger is always on my shoulders, bitter anger that makes me say things that I would have never said. I am getting better at recognizing it now, but it still is here. As far as the anxiety goes the meds have helped but the best medicine I have found is right here on MS. The people that have helped the most are the very people that are the farthest from me but in reality are the closest. You see Magellan, you are not alone in this fight, we are loved and joined with the rest of us misfits that are not giving up. You are very worthy of a happy life of love, we all are. I fight everyday to be the best person that I can be, sure I feel that it's not good enough, but it's the best I got.
Just keep giving everyday the best you got. Meds and therapy are hard on all of us, time is our biggest fear yet it is what also heals us. Please do not give up on your quest for love because I never found it until I looked in my own heart.
Stay strong my friend,