Just reading, I am amazed at my level of distrust, how much I've managed to isolate myself - even from my close friends and family.
I am 44 and have been consciously dealing with recovery since my mid-20s -- attended a fancy Arizona treatment facility and did a lot of intense therapeutic work.
Now I have a wife and an 11 year old daughter. I struggle with an addiction to pornography. This is very difficult and causes a lot of distress. It seems that the deeper I go into it, the more it's as if I'm looking for my Grandfather -- like I want to go back there and relive it - perhaps differently this time. I don't understand this, and I continually blame myself for everything. Self-blame is very, very deep.
I have a fundamental belief, even after all these years, that it didn't really happen. What a powerful force denial is. I am usually doubting myself. This is what leads me into tight corners.
I am deeply religious, and I am often conflicted about the post-trauma experience. Shouldn't I be able to simple "let it go?" I find myself couching my denial in spiritual terms: let go of it ("get over it"), surrender ("get over it"). I think, "What's wrong with me that I am still struggling with this?" A vicious circle.
I am not currently in therapy. I am not communicating with my wife. I am pretty convinced that people around will not understand, and I am feeling fundamentally distrustful, even of other survivors. I surround myself so thoroughly with a sexualized world view, that it is hard to imagine relationships without it.
I should say: I live in one of the safest, most supportive environments anywhere. I am blessed. I am in no danger -- only, perhaps, of having to continually work on this, no matter how long it takes. How long will it take? As long as it takes, I guess.
Love to all of you. Tariq