I can relate to that. I was on anti-depressants years ago whilst going through therapy. Other than making things a little calmer, I feel like it made me a worse person due to the lack of inhabitions.

As for wanting to die though, it's also a common thought I have. I've just managed to create my own set of values and principles for reasons why I won't go though with the act of causing it.

I can't say what those values should be for you, as we all have different situations in life we face. Just try and find those things you enjoy in life, no matter how small and think of those. It just needs to be something important to you, no matter what it is, to try and get you past that feeling.

It doesn't necessarily fix the feeling, but it helps to move past it.