I don't know whether I should even respond to your pain because my efforts did not work out/.
You own that you did not trust her. It shouldn't suprise you that when some of the truth got out her first response was distrust. Since she really doesn't understand she has directed her mistrust into things she thinks she can understand.
You are gay and she cannot meet you needs. You prefer masturbating to porn to sex with her. You have been unfaithful and betrayed her. You are making excuses to continue to degrade her b y getting aroused by pornography.
The terror and betrayal that is internalized by our violation and humiliation of CSA, is not rational or understandable. We spend years trying to come to terms with it and we experienced that abuse.
There are groups now forming in the family and friends part of this web site. Couples counselling may work for you, after six months my ex wife said she didn't understand what the therapist was saying, so it didn't work for me.
You recognize her pain and you rationalize that your coping process is bad. It is what it is. You are struggling as best you can. You will never be perfect nd you have to own that too. No one can ever meet all the expectations of another person, even if they never experienced any trauma.
It sounds as though you both come from pretty dysfunctional families. So holding on to each other is like a life raft. If you look for information about how you were both effected by your family of origin experiences she may be willing to accept some of the aspects of keeping secrets.
I wish you great positive results from this trying time
Edited by genedebs (12/28/12 06:12 PM)