I am sorry you are going through these feelings and emotions. Sadly, I think we must feel the pain of the abuse in order to heal. At least I, shut the abuse out as well as the emotions and feelings. Since the triggers began six years ago--I have been a bundle of emotions--ups, downs, lost time, feeling lost, feeling distrustful, unable to keep my life in order. I have days when I believe I can control but then wham--the part of me so longed buried kicks in and takes over--I leave and where I go only the part I buried knows.

I know I need to come to terms with this part of me--understand and accept a part of me find specialness in the abuser, his words and what he did create a false world for the young child. It is these emotions that haunt and take control---the hold is so strong. I am working on facing these emotions, feelings--it is slow. Today I feel good but Sunday night the memories of the abuse played like a movie over and over--and that part of me that seems to feel the specialness of the abuse took over. I was not who I am. Hard to explain, but like many other survivors I understand.

Stay strong, keep seeking help, and hopefully one day we all can face and accept the abuse and integrate the part we lost at the time of the abuse--so to allow us to be whole.

Keep well and I look to 2013 as a new year with new hopes and dreams that not only I, but everyone here progresses with healing and finds the wholeness of self--that we can extricate the demon of the abuser and abuse from controlling our lives. I have faith in you--you seem to have a support system that is standing by you. That is so valuable and it shows the compassion and character of your family.

Best wishes