hi genedebs,

Thank you for sharing your experience. I know I sound like a kid when I opine for 'romantic love'. Part of it is a crazy desire to have an experience that most people who walk this planet actually get to have. I've never had it.

I also know that "falling in love" always results in "falling OUT of love" with the same person, and then the real work of the relationship begins (and when most relationships end).

I also know that genuine love for another person is pretty much selfless and unconditional, and takes a great deal of patience, compassion, forgiveness, empathy, support, understanding, and is extraordinarily difficult. And I know that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. It doesn't exist.

What I would give to just have 1 experience of a relationship, whether it be a romantic love (temporary), or true love (temporary). I'm well aware of the failure of relationships and divorce rates. Most of the people I know have broken up with the person they thought they would spend their lives with. I know the pain (vicariously). I'm sorry you had to go through it.

And I envy you for the experience nonetheless. At least you met someone and had the experience of being absolutely thrilled that someone was willing to commit themselves to you. How affirming that must have been, and what a wonderful period of time you experienced together while you were still under the influence of romantic love. People take this for granted, and then lament it when its over. But the fact is, these experiences are what makes us human.

What I would give to just have 1 experience of mutual love. I came *this* close but blew it because as I said earlier, he discovered how much baggage I have, and bailed out just like every other person I've met.

And yes, there are stable gay relationships. I live in San Francisco, and I know a couple of couples who have been together for 30+ years. Their secret? They're best friends.


Originally Posted By: genedebs
Dear Magellan

First it is totally nuts (derogatory, self defeating)to think you are unloveable. It is one of the lies that we fall back on. Just like we are damaged goods, or not good enough, or worthless.

We have been taught to own our failure to be protected, our failure to "get over it", our failure to overcome the obstacles, mostly so that people who are our caregivers camn avoid their blame and guilt.

What you have described as proof of mself love are actually proof of self care. That is very important, many of us struggle with performing to tasks of self care. The more of your own self care nthat you take care of the lower your maintence requirements.

So, they don't love you. Kinsey said that unstable relationships are the only relationships that homosexuals are capable. Don't know if that is true, or even worthwhile considering. The idea of romantic love is thought by many to be an expression of loving the image of love, not a trrue expression of a connection with another person.
Love is also thought to be a solution to our own instability and saddness. (Sadness shared is half relieved). I know that while I was experience love with my now friend but no longer a member of a couple with me, I was assessed with the Beck inventory. This is a measure of the level of depression. My score was the lowest I ever achieved (Low is good). My score is usually indicative of the level of depression experienced by someone who just lost their job.

So I suggest that you may expect too much from love. I was married in 1969, we had 4 kids. After 15 years shew primarily saw me as the father of her children. She rarely expressed affection much less love. However, after another 10 years and my getting sober she threw me out of the house. Now, I should be grateful that I had 15 good years. Except when she through me out of the house she basically indicated she couldn't remember the first 10 years of our lifwe together.

I am suggesting the are all kinds of people and opportunities for relationships. Some are more stable than others. Some will be wonderful, others will be difficult. I know I can put too much on the other person in the relastioinship. This will always drive them away. But if I am too needy, need to be reassured ands reassuring them of the wonder of our relationship, this will alsao chase them away.

Unfortunately, a stable intimate, mutually satisfying relationship is a rare experience. I hope you find it, but it is a rare experience not an indication of unlovability

All I can do is share my experience. I hope it helps