Thank you Doug; It's hard to say to her, as I did, that I am aroused by gay porn and sometimes masturbate to it because it's not what it appears to be on the surface. But to anyone hearing or looking at me without knowing my story, I sound crazy when I explain myself. She has gotten better. She's devastated still, but last night, she grabbed my hand and I just cried because she had not touched me in two days. I just can't believe I've done this to her, and to us. Part of me feelings like a failure because I couldn't keep this under-wraps although I know that's not the answer either.
"Because if you don't define yourself for yourself, you'll be crushed into other people's image of you, and eaten alive." (Audre Lorde)