I am sorry for you--the pain you are going through. It is difficult for others to understand--it is the victim acting out the original trauma--why-some say the victim is left with an imprint to recreate the abuse to find pleasure in the abuse. Many victims are prey to the abuser--feeling special and told the acts are the only way to find love. It goes on to say the imprint can cause the acting out but does not define sexual orientation. The unresolved trauma of the abuse needs to be addressed to resolve this need--because one needs to remember the abuser controls the victim and defines the experience.
There is a post on MS that can better explain it:http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=309001&page=all
I wish you well--I too have been told I have tried to recreate the abuse, but for me I seem to loose time and have no recollection of traveling to and being involved in such acts. I have found sites on my computer that I know I did not visit but somehow they were there. I experience dissociation and fugue and have awoke in unknown places-including hospitals and the last time, this past Monday, because I blacked out and fell at a place 45-50 miles from my home. So I do not know if anything ever occurred. This leaves me without explanation and makes any of it difficult to explain--I am told dissociation and fugue are not real--so how do I explain the effects of CSA to people with a closed perspective on the subject compounded with lost time?
I am working on healing and I know my true self is to find a woman who will love me and each of us will put each other first. However, I need to progress on healing and resolve the trauma of the abuse and make sure I am no longer under the control of the abuser or abuse.
I wish you well. And sadly, as we go through the healing and torments with others, it is like being victimized over and over. But I am told, once we resolve the trauma, we are no longer victims.