You weren't really a prostitute. You were fleeing from a bitter home situation. You acquired the bitterness of being a street child who was making money for a pimp who probably became wealthy from it. You were being used by the wealthy and powerful to satisfy their greed, their lust and need for pleasure. They injured you. They made you injure other boys. They set you up to do stuff you otherwise would not have chosen to do. They certainly didn't have your best interests at heart. That is what you feel.


Added later:

Yes I'm trying to "mess with your mind about this".

I'm not trying to tell a lie about this or change what we perceive as reality. We were all told wrong things about who we were as children or youths. These things became deeply imbedded in our minds. We came to believe these lies. But they are nevertheless false. Our healing has to do with outgrowing those concepts we were unfortunately led to believe. It takes work and repetition. We have to be told these things by others, often by a therapist who can tell us while watching us to make sure we don't over-react. We often repeat the same things in our present lives which were destructive to us in the past. We can change. We can live new lives.

Jeff, I have found that you are a caring, sensitive, intelligent person. You have a gift of writing that could make you famous if you were able to use it appropriately. You cared deeply even about those you were compelled to abuse. That's why you remembered their identities enough to be aware that they were different persons. That proves you cared. The fact that you feel deep remorse now shows that you cared and that you are not really that person you seemed to be then.

Edited by pufferfish (12/24/12 06:05 PM)