i am glad you posted. i used to your posts frequently and i was on this site twice a day. my H and were doing really well. i also have a history of PTSD, alcoholism, self-mutilation and bipolar. i managed to get myself stable with a great therapist,4 years of trauma work, a new diet, a marriage counselor,new friends and weeding out stressors. though i don't recommend it across the board, i managed to get myself off of heavy duty meds as well.
i thought my H and i were doing great. he made a lot of progress in therapy. we were working on intimacy issues on a regular basis and there was significant progress.
and then we got in a fight...which was quiet but very destructive and it lasted for a month and a half. i spent the whole time trying not "rock the boat" as he puts it...creating a predictable schedule, trying not to set him off, constantly CONSTANTLY CONSTANTLY being flexible,rearranging life so that he wouldn't...so that he wouldn't be stressed i guess.
well, about three weeks into it i started to feel like the negativity and pain was going into me but not coming out again. it was sticking. therapy wasn't helping. not only did we stop having sex, he stopped touching all together. i relapsed after almost two years of sobriety this past weekend.
the meetings have helped. therapy has helped. but it's been really scary to let go of what i thought we were building and let him be...self-destructive himself...it's too high of a price for me to take that on for him.
i'm learning a humbling lesson. i'm empathetic to your situation. i think i've felt similarly and i think it's the greatest pain to be sucked into someone else's hell. for me, i'm just trying to find my core again, i know it's in there somewhere.
keep writing, it helps us too!