I don't know what to do, when I'm in a position where words are inadequate. My life is collapsing, my past is breathing down my neck, and the present is tearing me apart. My brother who was doing so much better, relapsed 4 days before Christmas. I saw the horror in my moms eyes and I realized for her, the nightmare was real. She is living her worst nightmare, and I'm living multiple nightmares. I've only ever seen that gaze once before in my life, and it just is unforgettable. As much as I hate my brother for all he's done, I know there's a loving kind and generous part inside of him. Yet there's another psychotic part as well, and the psychotic part is winning. Well we had to call the police to take him out of our home for our own safety, and it happened once before, but it somehow hurts even more the second time. I know we did the right thing, but it felt horrible.
That's just only the tip of the iceberg, I feel absolutely horrible. I wish there was some way I could communicate how I feel right now, but there just is no way. I feel hopeless, forsaken, destroyed, and left to drown in my own sorrow. But I realize what I need, and no words even need be said. I need somebody who loves me to hold me in their arms, someone to look me in my eyes, so I can see that I'm not completely worthless, and I need to cry my eyes out. Something words could never capture, human tenderness and love. But I am alone, and I feel like dirt, like I'm worthless, like the world will swallow me whole. I wish I could describe this in a more meaningful way...
There's so much I can't possibly try and communicate with words and it's so frustrating, I can't describe the feeling of not being able to communicate something so desperately important, and always falling short with words. It's like drowning I guess. Like having no voice, like screaming for help but nobody hears you. Like I'm speaking a different language.
I'm in a lot of pain, I just don't know what to do. So much pain... This is my life, everyday is a battle. It's like life or death every day. Like a war inside my head that nobody else can see. Where I have to pretend like I don't feel like dying, or I have to pretend something I saw on TV while eating dinner with my family didn't give me a panic attack because it reminded me of my abuser, like I didn't wake up 3 times last night because I had nightmares of my past, and having to laugh at a joke when I'm trying not to cry. Everything is hard for me, because just to appear functional it takes all my energy to maintain it.
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein