Bobcat -

i vividly remember the 1st time - the step-dad - in the shower together. i was 6 and of course - tiny. his was at eye level to me - and not only much bigger - but also hairy and gnarly looking. it was not only bigger - but also intimidating and scary. i don't remember feeling like i wanted to look like or be like that - more like the opposite. i thought he was gross. (he was the first abuser.) the things he did and the way he treated me - i didn't want to be like him in any way. he ridiculed me mercilessly - but not because of my size - but for being weak and wimpy and sissy and no good at anything that was manly and important. puberty was not a welcome time - because i felt like i was turning into him - physically. at that time i didn't know bigger was supposed to be better.

the 2nd time was in a locker room. i was forced to compare with a big buff jock who would have rivaled any porn star imaginable. at least that is the way i remember it. now i am beginning to wonder if BDD - body dysmorphic disorder - can apply to your perceptions of other people as well as the way you see yourself. i know now that i had a pretty high number of the symptoms that go along with that condition. he was my second significant abuser - as far as time span and impact on my self-esteem and self-image. (there had been others in between who were less traumatic.) compared to him i felt embarrassed and inferior and inadequate - however it wasn't just in the genital area - but all over - his height and physique and strength and sports prowess and popularity and leadership and everything - let me know i wasn't up to the standard. i now know that his need to dominate me was because i was a threat to his status - because i was 2nd biggest in that area in the school - but all i felt around him was insignificant. that was when i started wanting to be bigger - to be like him. and when i started compuslsively but secretly comparing with any other guy i could see and with any photos i could find. that usually just made it worse - especially the photos. even finding guys smaller than me didn't really do much to boost my ego.

a lot of my energy through the years has been wasted on comparisons and trying to reassure myself that i am OK. i am finished with that now. what helped? analyzing the whole story from start to finish and seeing it at a distance with objectivity and logic. Allowing myself to feel and express all the emotions that were so confusing and shameful at the time and say in concrete words what i was going through - to my T and to a friend and to my wife. knowing that they do not judge me or think less of me and actually like me the way i am - and that the stats that i place so much importance on are not all that important to them. and yes - my lover/wife - has said that she likes it/me the way i am. she enjoys looking and touching me and playing with me and she likes how i can make her feel. she is satisfied - so i am too. (but i still wish i was more muscular and my face was more handsome!)

don't know if any of this is helpful but - since you asked...
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"