I looks like my turn on the rollercoaster!
Before my birthday I told my wife that I had been thinking of doing a road trip to see my half brother (my first abuser). My whole family is into denial in a big way...It should be our last name. We were both groomsmen at each others weddings and have had a polite but very awkward relationship for the past 25 years. Other family members are often asking me what my problem is with him....Gee wiz...he made me suck his thing from the age of 4 to 8!!! I don't know??? We have all been keeping up the appearance of a happy family (in some ways we are I guess). I wanted to talk to him and get him to fill in the blanks in my memories. After I was married he rang and apologized for what happened. I wasn't ready to deal with it then so I just said I guessed stuff had happened to him first and I already forgave him and got off the phone as quick as I could. I think he was doing it as part of a 12 step thing. It was a pretty lame apology really. So I know he at least at one point felt sorry for what he did and acknowledged that it happened. Also NEED to know what happened to him....What he did to my other brother. I want to tell him about the rest of the stuff that happened to me and that he started a chain reaction. It feels like if we get some answers it will be healing for us both.
On my birthday I got an e-card from my him. The E-card was some nice inspirational crap about the past and the future..bla bla bla. I was soooo confused. Like ok am I just making a big deal out of all this. I didn't respond to the e-card and he sent a follow up email to make sure I got it. I replied back with a thanks and some 'nice' chit-chat. since then I have been swinging like a pendulum. Angry that he trained me to be a s*x slave and is now nice to me .....guilty that I still seem to hold it against him.
My wife talks to her mum about EVERYTHING - she is like her T. I am ok with that for now - as I haven't told my wife everything yet. her mum is cool and thinks I am AWESOME and has always been very supportive of anything I've done. (way more than my parents) . She has often told me how proud she is of me - even before the CSA came out. I have sort of adopted my wife's family. I know it sounds weird but my mother in law knows more about my abuse than my own parents
. My wife asked her mum if she would go with me on the road trip. My wife is worried I will be in a bad state afterwards ...especially after I told her I was suicidal a while back. My mother in law has just quit her job and will have a holiday before she starts a new job. So I basically it would be better to do it in the next couple of weeks (it is a 6hr drive one way). At first I wasn't ready to do it yet but today I am feeling more confident.
I have made a special T session tomorrow to discuss how I should ask him and basically how it should play out and if he thinks I'm ready.
But part of me doesn't want to know the truth...what if it wasn't as bad as I remember or he down plays it. What if it only happened once and I made the rest up.
'This' has been such a big part of who I am - I don't know if I can let it go. or...what if it was worse than I remember????
Life goes on as usual. My wife and I had to go pick up a pony for our kids for Christmas. Just what you always wanted...right? We had a good 3 hours in the car alone together to talk. I told her about all the abuse up to 12 years old (5 perps) including the doctor. She did not want to know any details of what happened. She kept changing the subject - talking about 'normal' stuff. I asked if she was doing it on purpose. She said no. But kept doing it. I didn't feel like she was being a very good listener (to put it politely). I told her about my self image problems and that growing up (and even now) I felt like I was just a sex object for others pleasure - that my looks were all I had going for me. The only reason people like me. She said aren't you lucky you married someone who isn't 'into that'. She said "So... you want me to tell you you are ugly". No because I think I am ugly and that is why I NEED others to tell me I'm not. Then I told her about the Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) - she made that all about her recent slight weight gain. I reassured her that it didn't bother me (I said I still wanted to stick IT in her) and tried to bring the conversation back to CSA. I explained that I had a sexual addiction (MB and p0rn). She got very mad about the P0rn. I did not specify what type of p0rn and she didn't ask - she is assuming it is straight. I don't know if that is better or worse. She said that the thought of me doing her after getting horny from THAT made her feel disgusting. I said that I only thought of her when I was with her...(white lie) and that I couldn't help it that sometimes memories invaded my mind and that is usually when I have ED problems. She said that if she ever even thinks I have viewing p0rn then IT WILL NOT BE HAPPENING. She was also VERY mad that I had lied to her about this all these years. It was intense!!! I explained that I was introduced to p0rn at a young age and had been MBing since 10 and it was going to be a hard habit to break..... but I was trying. She insisted that I install the p0rn filter back on our computer straight away. I said sorry for lying.
I had many teary moments and a few pauses to gain my composure - but mostly held it together. All this while driving our 4X4 (SUV) and towing a horse float!! In hind sight not the smartest thing I have done.
I told her most of my recovery goals.
On the way back she blurted out in a nasty voice that I need to be careful that I don't make this an attention seeking thing. Because I obviously still crave attention.....I was silent....I had nothing. About an hour after I said how hard it has been for me to talk about the abuse and how it affected me. I have been hiding it for 30+ years. I did't want anyone to think I am less of a man or 'broken'.....especially her. I didn't want to hide it from her anymore. I want her to know the truth about me and love me anyway..... no response.
I didn't want to go into the teen acting out/abuse or SSA cause I think she may see that differently and I think what I told her today was enough for her to handle. I want to do that in the controlled environment of my T's rooms. Later she talked about how she prefered it when she was ignorant of all this and said that she wanted a refund jokingly....I said that is Sooo NOT funny. She said the actual abuse doesn't change the way she thinks about me. The Porn and Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) do. She said the BDD explained a lot and gave examples.
She had NO IDEA I was had such a high sex drive and was into p0rn. She thinks it is degrading and since I am a good guy I would think the same. I talked about my need to do IT more than we are (1-2 a month) and that it would make it easier for me to be good. She said that she thought I was being unreasonable and if she is unwell she does not want to feel obligated to do it because we have only done it once so far this week. She said that I could MB as much as I like as long as she didn't have to know about it. (Even though she knew I did it she has always frowned on MB in the past - so I guess that is a positive)
Basically I think it ended pretty well. (calmly). And at least we understand each other better. She is with her mum now...I can just imagine the conversation..... 'your son in law just told me he is a low down dirty rotten porn watching sex addict' My mother in law is staying with us for a few days....We will see if I am still the golden boy.