Infinity is paradoxical, and because of that so is the universe. Or rather more importantly to us, we are paradoxical. Because of the limits of our senses and our brains, we could never prove anything in the universe, so that doesn't matter anyways. I've been searching for answers everywhere, yet when I turned to the one thing I thought was solid & logical, math, I realized there technically are no answers. Now I could go on and on about why infinity is interesting, paradoxical, yet stable and unstable at the same time, that's not my point. My conclusion is terribly unsettling, because no matter how much I search and search I'll never figure out anything with any certainty. I feel like the abyss I've described before, is all the more real and all the more inescapable. How do I know if I'm doing the right thing? How do I know if I'm heading in the right direction if there is no point of reference. So many things go through my head, I couldn't possibly hope to write them all here, so much science, logic, and philosophy, because that's where I look for my answers. But the thing I realize is none of that matters, because none of that is really real. All it is is an explanation of our perception of the world, or rather how our brains perceive the world. We only have 5 senses to perceive the 3 dimensions we live in. When there are infinite dimensions and universes to perceive. For the same reason we can't imagine a new color, we can never perceive key elements around us that are or aren't there because we don't have the tools to measure them. So the only thing we can ever know is already inside of us, our brains. Science as we know it is more like psychology than anything, in fact you could argue everything is psychology, human, and because we're paradoxical, we'll never truly understand life. Because there are no answers, or rather there are infinite answers because there are infinite questions. Even death, a certainty in life is not so clear. In fact there's many theorys explaining how we could possibly be immortal, like quantum immortality. But even discluding that there's another theory I've come to. Time, is quite possibly the fourth dimension, because we only experience it in many slices, in the same way a 3 dimensional object is made up of many 2 dimensional slices. So one could say our life as a whole is an object, like a book. It is always happening for the first time, turn to any page in a book and read it, and it's happening in the present. That's an idea I always liked in literature. But what does that mean? Death is only a face so to speak of our life, birth and death are the faces on a square, and life is everything inside of that square. In all it encompasses an object. That could even mean the future is already set, like pre-destiny. Hell I could ramble and ramble why life is so confusing and paradoxical, but in reality it doesn't change a thing. And that's so fucking frustrating because the way we work we're always going to be asking questions that don't mean a god damned thing. It's pointless! Life is pointless! That's the concept I keep arriving at, and it urks me to the point of insanity.
Okay so now that you know a little bit about how my brain works, let me explain how all that relates to my abuse. It means that my pain is infinite. There's a well so to speak filled with an infinite amount of pain, in the form of memories & analysis of them. Because I can ask infinite questions about my past, and come to an infinite number of conclusions that ultimately don't matter, that gives me an infinite source of pain. How can I ever hope to escape that?
Well, technically isn't it simple? Stop asking questions. Stop thinking about it. Avoid everything that brings up questions. But wouldn't that mean therapy is harmful? Wouldn't that render this site harmful? But then again, it's not simple, because I have 12 years of memories relating to abuse, so I can't possibly avoid everything that will trigger me so to speak. So is it impossible? I'm royally fucked. I'm like a computer program that's entered a paradox, a function that keeps looping. Quite literally, it does not compute. I've fallen into infinity and I can't get out.
I wasn't going to post this, but I guess I have no reason to and no reason not to, so I might as well put it out there so it's outside of me. I probably make no sense anyways, but fuck it...
I want to disclaim, I don't think I'm right or that I have any answers. These are just theories that go through my mind (some based on theories I've read about), I could be completely wrong about everything and I know that.
Edited by CloudyFalls (12/13/12 10:52 AM)
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein