Still this won’t help but I also grew up in much the same way, neither of my parents ever had time for me, it was always just appearances, it had nothing to do with any genuine caring or affection, it was always about them and their lives, I could never even think let alone say “what about me?” until recently. Its why after they institutionalized me I left home afterwards, never to return, It’s why I ignored them until my dad was dying; it’s why I can’t return my mom’s calls. It’s called reciprocity, and there never was any for me and its sounds the same for you. When you suffer in silence when no one notices you, when no one cares, and if no one who is supposed to care doesn’t how can you care about yourself or other people? Not sure about you but I know even if there had been zero abuse I still wouldn’t have grown up in a loving home, my parents were to self-absorbed to care, the next car, the next house, the next trip, everything was about them not me, ever, as long as I would have stayed out of trouble it was ok, they didn’t care until they knew I was doing heavy drugs, and then they paid someone else to try and fix me, talk about shirking your responsibility. Also at this point in your life it has to be about you, not selfishly but about you healing yourself, so maybe it might be time to do or say something with your family? I know I’m contemplating sending my mother a “christmas card”; nothing horrible, just that I cannot have anything to do with her, I’m not 4, she’s not my therapist, she was never my mother, but nothing about the abuse, because we all know anyway, and its implied, so no sense in pointing out the obvious, just that I feel her loneliness as a human, not as her son, I can be there like that, but nothing more, as she was not my mother.
Sad but like you I still feel 4, and my mom still treats me like that, but no we're both men now, adults with others depending on us, we're children no longer even if we're still dealing with childhood issues, we're men now!
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"