SS itís so fucked up how delusional we get check out:
See and at the same time I know Iím still trying to push the wife out the door or more importantly get her to throw me out. Never really acted out, just I can really relate to the 10 year old reference, man Iíve acted like a 2 year old most of my life. People just canít imagine what the mind can come up with to keep on keeping on. Just like I posted know I would give up everything to be normal, to not know this shit, to not know the betrayal or how fucked up my family was because of one sick man (grandfather), and just be normal, you wonder not only who little SS/chris was but who you would have been what could you have done? Cause I know what Iíve accomplished as a survivor but what more would have been available to me? I know its wishful thinking just that this shit destroyed all of you, forced your mind to create the current you just to survive the ordeal. I have whole memories and then nothing, of being with one set of in-laws when my mother and her mother went to Hawaii and then nothing; the last time I talked with my dad before he died I asked him what happened cause I couldnít remember and he told me I stayed with his parents, and I felt that fear, he couldnít even look me in the eye as he said this. O man the fear growing up, even the dream of salvation was real, just that I couldnít say a thing, I could never tell anyone, so even after they found out, they did try, just wrong place and wrong time, not hard enough and besides they never cared anymore anyway, I was damaged, I couldnít be normal, hell I couldnít even remember, but it didnít matter they all knew what happened, my cousin came home early from school, she was sick and we lived right across the street, and saw me sucking his dick. My life was over for them, they stopped caring, after that it was all about appearances until I left home @14, they really never were a part of my life again until my dad was dying of cancer and was trying to tell me he was sorry. Now my mom is all alone and is trying to get close to me, sorry bitch; she even went back to school and took psychology; thought she could be my therapist, hell still does; she just doesnít get it. I needed her to be a mother, nothing less; instead, sheís alone and curses my name when I donít return her calls.


Btw I did get to read your original post, thanx!!!
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine