thank you all.

i just feel sick this morning. and feel like i'm 13 again. i was OK until i got to campus. the investigator is still here. i cringe every time i see him - as if i had something to hide. it is really obvious that my triggers still work - even though i've learned to handle them better.

the boy who was pulled out for questioning - i don't know if he was suspected of being a victim or a perp - that is confusing and disturbing to me. i think one thing it reveals is that even the thought of both roles make me feel guilty, dirty and ashamed. it is so weird to grapple with that concept - i KNOW the whole "You are not to blame. It wasn't your fault." mantra. and i have urged it on others many times. but it is still hard to get free of that residual tainted feeling.

so, anyway - as soon as i put 2 and 2 together yesterday i went to see my wife. i really needed a hug - just to feel safe arms around me and someone to tell me that i am all right. that helped for a while. good move, eh, Sam?!

after school, though - she had a long meeting and i was alone and i lost it. i reverted to looking at p0rn. i was even conscious of what i was doing - self-calming - and did it anyway. it did help me feel more in control and less anxious for some crazy reason - for a while. but i don't feel good about it now. ironically, if anyone here knew - they would think i was a danger to the kids - which couldn't be farther from the truth.

i guess i've still got some work to do.

it would be difficult for me to speak to this boy about it. the only real contact i have with him is supervising study hall. he is not in any of my classes or other activities that i help with. there is no reason that he would trust me any more than the counsellors. at least the regular one at our school is good. i don't know... at his age, i'd have just denied everything and shut down. the last thing i'd have done is to talk about it with any adult. i hope he can get help - at least he's on the radar.

anyway - that is the latest. don't know if i will ever know more. in a way - i hope i don't - because if i hear more, it will most likely be because there is something more serious to be aware of.

"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"