Yea, this just wrighting whatever come. What ever is going on is therapeutic. I think I am realy cut off from my self to a point of not even knowing it. As I get it out and risk pushing the submit button it becomes real some how. I go back and read some of what I wrote as I review your feedback and it's like I am getting to know myself. I am working hard at tuning in around my family and that's paying off. I am starting to read your abuse story's and it is so heavy what has happen to so many of us. I keep thinking my story is no big deal compared to some of your story's. But the effects in my life tell me I must be mistaken. I am starting to realize it was not just one event but a patern of abuse and trauma that set me up for csa. I think I was around 14 but I can't put the time line togeather vary well. my reaction was so extream it was all I could think about. My life became only about coping. The early ca traumatic events prepared a way for me to split off from myself. When the csa happened I split in two. No more me I realy did become we.
I can't believe I am actually writing this. Well it is true. My early trauma taught me how to disappear into my own world. The cas fractured it all to hell. Even my iner safe world went to hell. No more safety any were. I had to becom a fortress and learn how to protect my self from every one every thing even my self. That was long ago and I can't be hurt any more but the fortress remains and part of me can't seam to walk out in to the sun. This part of me looks out for the fortress. And keep watch over the land from the safety of the keep. Of corse none of this is real and yet it is somehow. I would like to "un split" but the parts don't seam comparable. Like oil and water. No that's not it I am fine if I, or we combine in the fortress of my sole. But I have only let my wife come close to me there on rare ocation. When we go away some ware and I drink. It's like I get the guard drunk and I can show her a side of my self that even I really see. These times seam to bring us closer as a couple. I wish I could just be that person all of the time. On second thought no I don't. Highly unpredictable and random. He talked about the word love being a broken word and other ramblings of the hart. Can't say I disagree with that but it must all be taken with a grain of salt. What ever that means.
Just because it's complicated doesn't mean we can't figure it out.