child abuse is very evil and it has devastating results. we all know that. but there is no such list of what would happen and what would not. every child reacts different. signs are not even always there.
for a parent to concluse abuse is almost impossible unless the parent him or herself are abusive people.
if your mil or your fil never had abuse themselves, they would think of everything else but abuse. they obviously wanted to know what was wrong with him and took him to a psychologist or any other doc..thats how he got his medication on the ADD.
i understand you feel hatred towards them because now its a person whom you love who got so hurt and he must have trouble and therefore you too. but saying its the parents fault, not so sure if thats the right direction of your anger. its the abusers fault and only his or hers.
also the topic abuse has been talked more only for the past few years. before that noone had education on the topic abuse, surely also not his parents. and if you read statistics, most parents cant even believe it if the kid tells them directly in their face. there are parents who cant believe it, even if they SEE it with their own eyes.

the list of abuse reactions can be almost anything which is an indication of a later mental illness. it can be the biggest and the smallest thing. but the very same signs can also come from being bullied at school or even kindergarten, from a bad neighbor friend who is the age of the kid and hits, from a nasty teacher or from the psychological over the kid from the parents directly, which would mean they would have to critisize themselves by admitting their kid has a problem. i dont know if you have kids, but once you do, you will also know that you will have a hard time finding out everything your child does or goes thru when he/she is old enough to walk and starts kindergarten.

there is for example: twisting the hair with the fingers, ripping hair out
cutting the arms or legs or anything on the body to release the psychological pain
being aggressive to other kids
abusing other kids as a result of the learned sexuality
child or teen depression
drawing of sexual pictures
biting the nails till they bleed or wounds come up
being scared of people
being especially loud or especially quiet
looking around for danger and realizing everything around one including difficult directions, everything is remembered
having attachment issues
feeling shy about being nude at a very early age
wanting to be nude at a later age
gender identity problems
feeling gay or lesbian as a result of abuse
watching porn regularly as a teen
early masturbation as it was learned early (some at 5 already)
hidingly touching the mothers or the fathers genitals or breasts
( to confirm its ok)
telling lots of lies
being insecure generally
going bad at school and anything else that involves pressure of functioning due to expectations
being suicidal (sometimes they tell their friends)
wearing a lot of clothes layers
wearing extra sexy clothes thinking thats all they are worth
low self value
attachment problems to even trusted family members and everyone else
looking down when talking to others
trying to control a conversation by insisting on their opinion only and shouting as a result
feeling the need of glasses as the eye sight feels less powerful
drinking alcohol
taking drugs
crying a lot
trying never to cry and being brave even if someone dies
fantasizing about sexual things and other fantasies about being a superhero and so on
causing fires
flearing up angry on anyone or anything
running away from home
being the bully at school
being bullied at school
weight loss
weight gain
development problems and putting points down, having an own opinion
zoning out, being dissociative
raping others later when teens (acting out)
joining a gang which is dangerous and/or violent
choosing the wrong friends
being aggressive against trusted people
being over sensitive
being not sensitive at all (just looks like that)
and so on and so on....
as you see, anything can be, but nothing has to be.

there are kids who completely dont have any signs of abuse, even though they are abused by their own parent and they just decide they will function and not let the abuse destroy his/ her life. there are also kids who commit suicide when they are 12. there are also kids who kill their rapists and there are kids who keep on going back to the rapist to be raped again, because it takes them until adult age to find out that it is abuse and not normal.

it always depends on the situation and on the surrounding of the child. what other input did the child have. was the child warned about abuse the right way or not. was the child sent to the abuser by the parents (e.g. a priest at church and the mother says you have to go even though the child doenst want...) or was the abuser a master manipulator (most are) and did it right in front of the parents at their own home or in their car on the backseat. all this counts and so much more counts on how the kid turns out and what the kid will show or not show.

if this were so easy, like following a list, then more parents would realize abuse happening nowadays, but sadly, hardly anyone realizes it, as its such a secret and hidden thing. the kids also cant tell, as the child is fully under the control of the abuser. and even if the child finally says something, then the parents hardly ever believe it. and say they do, then they mostly insist on it not getting out of the family as its a shameful act. hardly and perpetrator goes to jail because of that reason and almost noone if its a family member, despite the child having talked, which almost never happens. due to my experience on talking to people here, it needs an everage 20 yeares after the abuse stopped to talk about it. thats just an estimation of what i have experienced sofar. girls or women talk earlier than men. and talking to a partner about it, someone whom the survivor assumes to be left by if she/ he talks, is another topic all together again. every case is individual.

oh, and btw...all the points in the list can still be there in adult survivor because a survivor has to struggle for each and every point which was imprinted by a perpetrator for a lifetime.

the most important point for you as a partner is that he is honest with you, fully honest. survivors wear masks, they have to. its really hard for them to put that mask down. there is sexual fantasy which is not so easy to tell a partner. abuse is a devastating fact for all survivors and there are people here on this site, they had a great deal of this list and they came out as good people and really responsible people. there are also many who complete the circle of abuse because thats all they can do, all they can control. you need to see how many problems your partner has and how he deals with his rage and the fantasy and the masturbation and the addictions and the trust and especially the honesty.

i wish you really good luck and good healing. you will need information and books. schooling yourself intensly for a few months will help your partner to open up more to you and it will be also very essential for you. dont forget you also exist.


Edited by confusion4life (12/10/12 06:07 PM)
everything is always okay in the end, if it's not, then it's not the end