Trying to hard to be relivent here. You guys are the best. I try to imagin you in real life. And I wish you well and all the best. I am a real mess and I need to get some help. You helped me come to understand how isolated I am as a person. I can not trust. I mean that's the bind. I don't risk fealing at a deep level. I am not a real boy. I am trapped in a ferry tail. My life is not falling apart, but may be it needs to. I have held it to togeather for my kids and family. Not so much my wife, I thing she would prefer me to fall apart so I could get better. Maybe she knows something I don't. I can't trust people. How can this even be an option. It's not, but if I were to let go and fall apart I would want to sleep for a long long time. Don't get me wrong, I love life. I went through depression, wished it was all over for about 2 to 3 years. One realy realy bad year in realy what was a ten year stretch of depression. I am not depressed any more. I have experance a lot of spearitual healing. I need to find a way to trust people. Maybe that's what I am doing here. I was young,maybe 2 or 3 my dad attacked my brother not csa just rage and trauma. Nothing was real or safe from then on. Rage anger hate. I went inside. Deep inside. I am trapped inside my own self. Don't know if this even makes sence. I want out.

Thanks for letting me rant

Just venting

Peace to all,
Just because it's complicated doesn't mean we can't figure it out.