I've spent years in the depths of an emotional pit, my only known safety. Carefully, stretching an arm or a leg out towards some new path but never leaving that pit. Never climbing all the way out to TRY at something new, never trying to deal with all my issues, just keep it all close and guard those secrets. I have just recently begun TRYING again, and I can look back at how close I was to dying (i have never felt 'worthy' of taking my own life because i thought so little of myself, this 'life' is my penance, or so i thought).
My point is do not drown beneath this despair. Maybe you are at the bottom of all this mental/ emotional garbage right now but eventually, you will come up again. And you might only be able to take a half-heart risk towards progress or make a tiny movement towards a better you but you will rise again. I think that all this inner self-discord is a sign of a major inner change. You are struggling but haven't figured out what the struggle exactly is? All the things you've done to get this far aren't working anymore(as my therapist says to me often) so maybe it is time to try something different?