It seams I have two categories of thoughts, those I talk about and those I don't.
The second category seams to be growing.
i lived that "double life" for a long time, too, SmartShadow. there was definitely lots more going on inside my head than was evident on the outside. at first, when i was starting to deal with the issues, i just couldn't let it out. my wife wanted to be supportive, but i had perfected such a habit of secretivity that i didn't know how to "show up in the marriage" as you so aptly put it.
here's what helped me - my T encouraged me to write out my memories and thoughts and even feelings. this took a lot of time, but also made me examine and identify and put it all into words - which helped me understand what was going on - instead of a confusing chaos of mixed emotions, images, half-formed ideas and reactions. once i had made sense of things - i could read the resulting journal entries to the T and i increasingly was able to read more of them to my wife, too. she appreciated being included in the process.
i have continued to write as i get better at figuring things out - but i no longer have to take so long to analyze what is happening and interpret it for myself or for my wife and/or the T. i am improving at having a shorter time lag between my reactions and identifying the thoughts or emotions and putting it all into words. in fact i rarely have to read anything to anyone. i can just say it with more comfort and self-confidence and composure.
it might help.