CG - i am in awe, too - of your courage, of your trransformation from that boy to who you are now - and of your GF - who is obviously a treasure!
Looking into my own eyes, age 15, I saw myself for the first time as an innocent victim. I saw the blank stare in that young boy's eyes and realised that I had been judging that boy by a rational adult's standards. I blamed him for rebelling and provoking his abusers. I blamed him for not fighting harder. I blamed him for turning to drugs and self-injury. People have always told me that I was just a child trying to cope, but I had never felt it before. Yesterday, I felt that young boy's pain. It was a physical ache that overwhelmed me, body and soul. At the end of my 90 minute T session, I understood that I had always chosen to cling to the shame and the guilt because it was safer.
Admitting my own innocence left bare the real emotions - mostly the unbearable pain of knowing that nothing I could ever do or say, would have earned me the relief or the love I craved. I think believing that I could have had a better life if I was a better kid was easier than accepting that I would not have been loved, regardless.
I feel so deeply sorry for that boy.
But you know what? "Unbearable pain" isn't strictly accurate. I bore a piece of it yesterday, and I survived. It didn't kill me. Yesterday, I cried more than I have ever cried in one day before. Today, I feel stronger than I have ever felt.
this is so profound.
i had to brace myself and prepare to read the post, because i had an intuitive feeling of what it would be. and then i read it 3 times - as well as your other linked post.
you not only "feel stronger than (you) have ever felt" - you ARE stronger.
i am honored to have "met" you!