Ok I just spent an hour typing a really long reply here and then clicked something and it all went away
So I'll start again - just know it was better the first time.
Will, Lee - I can identify with you both!
(I was just reminded of the name my dad used to call me - Willy. It was not a term of endearment - more of a taunt. (you will see why below).
Firstly my dad was/is very vain. He would also comment on our appearance growing up. I never felt good enough. He would say stuff like I was too hairy....too skinny....to tall....to small...too big....nose too big....ears too big....toes weird...etc. So needless to say I developed some issues with the way I looked. Even today I would have plasic surgery if I could afford it. Now I kind of get that I'm a good looking guy - but that isn't good enough. I NEED to be perfect...maybe then my dad will be proud of me and love me. Anyway this is about penises.
My past is very similar to the other Lee's. From 4-8 I was exposed to my brother's (14-18) full grown penis while I was servicing him sexually. He was huge in comparison to me. I remember there being comments about how tiny I was when he touched me for the first time. So I was Tiny.
Then at 10 puberty hit me like a tonne of bricks. I was the size of an average adult man on a skinny little 10 year old body. I was freakishly huge. At that time an older boy (12) played doctor with me and found my secret. He was just starting puberty and was much smaller in size down there. Like Will, I was uncircumcised which is not common for a male my age in Australia. He was circumcised and became obsessed with my huge uncut penis and wanted to do all sorts of things with it. I was like an amusement park attraction. Sexual stuff happened for the next couple of years. After that I have had a love/hate relationship with my foreskin. I too considered adult circumcision but luckily decided against it.
The ideal of my freakish size became more fixed when the family doctor discovered my 'secret' during a check up. By this time I was bigger still. She fondled my erect penis on more than one occation and the first time even asked my mum to come and have a look. (I have only just realised in the last few weeks that this was not OK) They talked about it not being normal and there must be something seriously wrong with me. The doctor said she thought I might have a tumor in the adrenal glands or in the pituitary gland. They did a lot of tests which all came back normal. So now I am a freak with a huge penis. It was after this that my dad started to call me WIlly.
When I started acting out as a teenager with older men one man in particular was HUGE. He made me feel small again.
So...now that I have grown into my penis and it isn't freakishly big anymore I toggle between feeling tiny and feeling huge (mostly tiny). This was made worse because most of the guys I have been with were the same size or bigger. Not to mention Porn. I was looking at penis size stats today and even though on paper I am above average I still don't beleive it. All the stats must be wrong!! Over the years I have done the exercises and have made it bigger only to find it go back to normal after I stop doing them. It is an obsession with me.
I guess my point is that you don't actually have to have a small penis for CSA to make you think you have a small penis. CSA messes with your mind. It changes the way you think about yourself. Most of us were not fully developed when we were abused so it is only natural that we should feel inferior when compared to our abusers.
Now, I understand that there is a difference between having a 'real' small penis and 'perceived' small penis. But my feelings feel 'real' to me. If that makes sense. I also acknowledge that in the same way that CSA affected my hormones to make me mature early it can also stunt penis growth. Each causes their own set of problems.
I am trying to accept myself inside and out for who I really am - not who my abusers taught me to beleive I am.